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Bachelors. 



A CO MED Y 

In Four .-h/s 



ZARMAR. 



New York: 

PRINTED BY E. L. HAMILTON & CO. 

12 Barclay Street. 

1900. 



BACHELORS. 



BAGHELORS. 

A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS. 



ZARMAR. 



New York: 

PRINTED BY K. T. HAMILTON & CO., 

12 Barclay Street. 

1900. 

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78280 



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NOV 20 1900 

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CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Colonel Watson. 
Captain Daubrav. 
Mrs. Remfrev. 
Mrs. Maclin. 
Miss Milungton. 
Mrs. Tomlinson. 
Waiter. 
Mrs. Poleiver. 
Mr. Fotherway. 
Servant. 

Time. — The present. A month elapses between 
Act I and Act II; seven days between Act II and 
Act III; and two days between Act III and Act 
IV. . 



PERSONAGES. 

(Description of their Appearance.) 

Colonel Watson, aged forty, is a big, active, 
robust man, but not coarse looking. His 
hair is touched with grey ; and his moustache 
is large and full. His voice is deep and 
martial ; and the address and vigor of his 
personality are striking. 

Captain Daubray, aged thirty, is a tall, hand- 
some, dashing, athletic fellow, with a strong, 
clear, resonant voice. 

Mrs. Remerey, aged forty-four, impresses one as 
a graceful woman ; the orthodox English 
lady. 

Mrs. Maclin, aged thirty-three, is a sweet, plump, 
pretty woman, with large, expressive eyes, 
sparkling with vivacity. 

Edith Millington", aged twenty-four, is in the 
bloom of young womanhood, with girlish 
innocence and ingenuousness. 

Mrs. Tomlinson is a bright, pretty woman, aged 
thirty-four. 

The Waiter, aged thirty-two, is a Frenchman 
who has lived a number of years in London. 

Mrs Polliver, aged thirty-eight, is stout and 
good-looking. 

Mr Fotherway, aged twenty-five, is affected in 
dress and manner. 



ACT I. 

Scene. — A Dining-Room in a Fashionable 
London Hotel. 

It is an upstairs dining-room ; and through its 
four great windows a picturesque view of London 
presents itself to audience. 

The time is after usual luncheon hour, and at 
the rise of the curtain Colonel Watson is the sole 
person at table. 

Colonel Watson and Captain Daubray are in 
civilian dress. It is a clear, sunny day in early 
spring. 

" A " is the entrance to the dining-room, and 
is on the same wall as the windows. 



BACHELORS. 

A Comedy ix Four Acts by Zahmak. 

• 

ACT I. 

Scene. — A dining-room in a fashionable hotel. 
Time. — After usual luncheon hour. 
(Colonel Watson is discovered in position 
shown. He is delightedly eating roast pigeon.) 

Waiter. 

Zey tell me, sair, you shoot wondairful ! Grass 
ze bird ze instant he leave ze trap. Fifty bird in 
succession ! It is pairfect ! 

Colonel. 

• Result of sea bathing. (The waiter shrugs his 
shoulders, turns up his eyes, and steps back to 
his position.) 

Waiter (aside). 

So he tells ze papers. But I know. Ze fools ! 
Do zey expect ze Colonel to hang upon ze triggajr 



12 BACHELORS. 

when his dinnair fly away from him ? (Captain 
Daubray enters and sits on seat No. i. Waiter 
hands menu to him.) 

Captain. 

Chicken broth. (While the waiter is away, the 
Captain eyes the Colonel, who is wholly occupied 
with his pigeon.) Hullo ! he looks prosperous 
enough to have many interests in the welfare of 
the nation. Very likely he'd know if there's any 
truth in the rumor ; I'd ask him if I could catch 
his eye. (The Captain manoeuvres to do so, but 
without effect.) No use ! he's too fond of pigeon. 
(Waiter returns with broth ; sets it and steps 
back to his position. The Captain, between sips, 
eyes the Colonel.) It's a case of watch and wait. 
(He gets his opportunity.) Excuse me, sir, I've 
just arrived in London ; can you tell me, has 
Russia declared war ? (The Colonel, after mo- 
mentarily glancing at Daubray, has continued 
his lunch. Now, in answer, he holds up the fore- 
finger of his right-hand, perpendicularly. The 
waiter, at this signal, comes briskly forward to 
Captain.) 

Waiter. 

Pardon Monsieur ! Ze gentilmon he nevair 
talk while having luncheon. 

Captain (rather discomfited). 

I beg the gentleman's pardon. (Waiter returns 
to his position.) (Aside.) I wonder who and what 
he is ! It's strange that he would not answer 



BACHELORS. 13 

that question. Perhaps he's dumb. No, he does 
not look dumb. On the contrary, if he were a 
trifle fatter I'd take him to be a star tenor. I'm 
curious anyhow (Turning to waiter.) Waiter ! 

Waiter. 

Sair ! (He comes forward and the Captain tips 
him.) Thank you, sair ! 

Captain. 

What is that gentleman — a philosopher, or a 
barbarian ? (Sips broth.) 

Waiter. 
Ah, Monsieur, no ! He is a bachelor. 

Captain. 
A bachelor ? (Pausing with spoon.) 
Waiter (slowly, ostentatiously). 
Ze kingofze bachelors! Ze Celibate of London ! 

Captain (putting down spoon). 
Great Scott ! 

Waiter (expostulalingly). 
Non ! Non ! — Colonel Watson. 

Captain. 

His name ! Colonel Watson. Oh yes ? But 
who gave him the other names? not his god- 
mother ; no woman could look that far ahead ! 



H BACHELORS. 

Waiter. 
lie say it of himself. 

Captaix. 

Oh— h— h ! 

Waiter 

And marriage, he say, is ze rich man's weakness 
and ze poor man's folly. (Excitedly.) In mar- 
riage, he say, — Ze woman buy, and ze man — he 
pay ! It is ze diffaironce ! and he is right ! 

Captain. 
Ha ! I see that you are a bachelor, too,Waiter ? 

Waiter. 

Non ! Non ! alas ! married ! Unfortunate, I 
know from expairionce — Expairionce ze mastair / 

Captain, 

Oh, it's not as bad as that surely? (Waiter 
shrugs shoulders disconsolately.) How does 
Colonel Watson know so much then ? 

Waiter (tapping forehead with right fore- 
finger). From ze reason — ze bachelor's divine 
intelligence. 

Captain (aside). 

That's good. (To waiter.) And he calls him- 
self the Celibate of London ? 



BACHELORS. 15 

Waiter. 

Yes, sair ; he ogle every woman who come with- 
in a mile of him. (The waiter must not here 
imitate Colonel's action or manner.) 

Captain. 
Ha ! he's evidently an artist as well then ? 

Waiter. 

Non, non ! he only admire. Then — Ta Ta ! 
Ha Ha !— Ta ! Ta !— Ha ! Ha ! 

Captain. 

Do you know why he wouldn't speak just 
now ? 

Waiter. 

If Monsieur say one word for ze British Army, 
one word for ze table, and one word against 
marriage — he answer Monsieur and is Monsieur's 
friend in confidence for evair. 

Captain. 
One word, you say ? 

Waiter. 

Monsieur, it is all one word. Ze Army — 
First ! — Ze table — Heaven ! — Marriage ! (He 
gives a shrug and gesture of despair and points 
his rio;ht thumb down with fist closed.) 



1 6 BACHELORS. 

Captain (looking at Colonel, who has suddenly 

dropped knife and fork, thrust eye-glass to 

eye, and spun half round to look at entrance 

A.) 

What is the matter with the Army? (Enter 

Mrs. Polliver and Mrs. Tomlinson.) Good Lord ! 

he heard the rustle of the skirts ! — my rascal — 

the Celibate ! 

Mrs. Polliver. 
I left my card-case behind me, waiter. (Mrs. 
Polliver, who is very gaily dressed, advances, 
but Mrs. Tomlinson immediately turns and looks 
out of window.) 

Waiter (very politely). 
Oh — Madame ! — where did Madame sit ? (He 
goes towards table at left centre, Mrs. Polliver 
following.) 

Captain. 
By Jove ! it's Jess ! (He rises and goes over 
to Mrs. Tomlinson, who has not seen him. He 
gets right up to her before he speaks.) How 
do you do, Mrs. Tomlinson ? 

Mrs. Tomlinson (turning quickly with exclama- 
tion.) 
Jack ! you ! (Shaking hands.) My dear brave 
noble soldier !— safe home again. 

Captain. 
Are you staying here ? 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 
Don't speak loudly — the heavy brute at the 
table knows my husband and I can feel his eyes 
upon me. (They talk quietly, Colonel watching 



BACHELORS. 17 

them, with his back to Mrs. Polliver and waiter. 
Mrs. Polliver stands at left centre, fanning her- 
self with handkerchief.) 

Mrs. Polliver. 

Dear me ! the Colonel won't look. I'll pull 
his ear. (She coughs and tries to attract Col- 
onel's notice ) 

Waiter (who is behind her, looks at her, and 
marks his speech with expression of eyes 
and eyebrows and gestures). 

Ze handkerchief! — Oh — h ! — ze pairfume — Oh 
— h — h !— ze hat — Oh — h ! — ze bodice. (Mrs. 
Polliver raises skirt to pick thread off.) Ze 
skirt, ze petticoat, ze boot, ze stocking — beauti- 
ful ! beautiful ! — but I think of ze poor devil 
who pay for it. (He draws card-case from his 
pocket.) 

Mrs. Polliver. (without turning). 
Have you found it, waiter ? 

Waiter (coming forward). 

I have, Madame. (Presenting it with pro- 
found bow.) On ze floor under Madame's chair. 

Mrs. Polliver. 

Thank you, waiter. (She gives him a tip ; 
waiter bows acknowledgment ; she walks quickly 
past Colonel, making eyes at him and smiling in 
marked manner.) I've found it, Mrs. Tomlinson. 



iS BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 
That's fortunate, Mrs. Polliver. (Extending her 
hand and speaking with formal politeness.) 
Good-bye, Captain Daub ray. 

CAPTAIN (shaking her hand and speaking with 
formal politeness). 

Good-bye, Mrs. Tomlinson. 

Mrs. Tomlinson (gaily). 

It's our lucky day, Mrs. Polliver ; we must go 
and back a horse. (As they pass out the Colonel 
looks past Daubray at them.) 

Captain (aside). 

Doesn't he eye them ? — why it's my chance to 
distinguish myself ! (Steps towards Colonel, 
who is still looking at door through which ladies 
have vanished.) I presume, sir, by the way you 
look after the ladies that you are a bachelor ; 
every time I see a beauty, I thank my stars 
that / am a bachelor. (The Colonel, hearing 
this, beams smiles for six or seven seconds ; then 
rises deliberately, and comes towards Captain.) 

Waiter. 

He ! it is done ! he has pulled his leg ! 

Colonel (with urbanity). 

I must apologize to you, sir, for not answering 
you just now, but the fact is that one so — so — 
seldom meets with an intelligent companion. 



BACHELORS. 19 

Captain. 
Real bachelors are rare ! 

Colonel. 

I am Colonel Watson of the 25th Lancers. 
May I have the honor of hearing your name, 
sir? It's my misfortune to be a stranger to you. 

Captain. 
Captain John Daubray — nth Dragoons. 

Colonel. 

Even a more delightful privilege than I had 
hoped for. I know your father well, though I 
have not had five minutes' conversation with him 
for years. And I knew your mother too, Cap- 
tain Daubray — a rare woman ; one woman in a 
million ! — and I've known Mrs. Remfrey, your 
mother's sister, since my mid-summer holidays, 
twenty-eight years ago. She adopted you when 
your mother died. You were the one child ! 
your aunt was childless herself. 

Captain. 

Indeed! you know my family well, sir! It's 
curious that we haven't met before. 

Colonel. 

Well, my regiment, like yours, has been here, 
there, everywhere on service ; and we've been 
dodging one another apparently — the last few- 
years I've been regularly in London, and you've 
been quite out of London. 



2o BACHELORS. 

Captain. 

Yes — India and Africa. 

Colonel. 

That accounts for it. Couldn't we lunch to- 
gether? May I have the honor ? At my table, 
Captain Daubray. 

Captain. 

I shall be very pleased, sir. (They seat them- 
selves at the Colonel's table.) 

Waiter (aside). 

Zey get on very fast ! — Ah ! (Tapping forehead 
with forefinger.) Ze Captain is a young Colonel. 

Colonel (beaming). 

This is a great pleasure to me, Captain Dau- 
bray. Will you try one of my pigeons ? — I 
selected them with my gun at the club grounds. 

Captain. 
A treat indeed ! Thank you. 



Waiter ! 
Yes, sair. 



Colonel. 
Waiter. 



Colonel (softly). 
A pair of my pigeons, and you know my brand. 



BACHELORS. 

Waiter. 



Yes, sair. (Exit.) 

Colonel. 

This hotel, Captain Daubray, has an excellent 
chef. Yesterday I had a duck here — a perfect 
poem. I thought about it first thing this morn- 
ing when I awoke. It's so refreshing, I think, to 
begin the day with a happy remembrance — but 
I must apologize for not answering your question 
about the war. 

Captain. 

Oh yes ! 

Colonel. 

There is no news that I am aware of. This 
morning the opinion was gaining ground that 
the trouble would be settled by diplomacy. 

Captain. 
I see ; victory by politeness. 

Colonel. 

Ha, ha! Yes! And you've just returned to 
London ? 

Captain. 

Yes, I received a wound (touching his shoulder) 
in Africa, that invalided me. So I've been in 
Australia for the past six months, recuperating. 
The mountain climate there is superb, and now 
I'm as fit as ever. 



22 BACHELORS. 

Colonel. 

I congratulate you, most heartily, on being 
perfectly well again. (Enter waiter with pigeons 
and wine.) 

Captain. 
Thank you, sir. (Waiter sets dishes.) 

Colonel (eyeing pigeon). 

Ah — h — h! (They proceed with luncheon.) 
And what is Australia like, Daubray ? I mean 
from our point of view. 

Captain. 

There are two good hotels there, and sometimes 
one of the clubs has a cook. 

Colonel. 

Hm ! no Paradise ! But the ladies of Australia ? 
Is a man worried there as he is here ? 

Captain. 

There, as here, the unmarried woman is the 
trouble of the age. At every turn, it's marry 
me ! marry me ! marry me ! marry me ! 

Colonel. 

Yah ! as I expected ! these women are every- 
where. And I understand that the Australians 
are peculiar women too ! — they want the fran- 
chise ! — they are thorough kickers ! 



BACHELORS. 23 

Captain. 
Their motto is — "Commandeer the breeches." 

Colonel. 

Yah ! Before marriage as after. The home 
women you see are too subtle for that. They 
wait until they have their patient dupe harnessed 
to the marriage plough before they jump upon 
his head and crow. And that's the policy of the 
artful American women too ! But of course 
America is the henpecked nation. (Pours Dau- 
bray and himself more wine.} 

Waiter (aside). 

Ze French ! (Shrug and gesture.) Before 
marriage — (imitating cat rubbing head on sleeve) 
Purr ! Purr ! Purr ! After marriage (spitting as 
cat does) St ! St ! St ! Ze cat and ze dog ! 



Woman's Love ! 



Cap iain. 



Colonel. 



Love isn't love, Daubray. Love is the war 
that women wage upon men ; and marriage is 
woman's protest against the happiness of bachel- 
ors. 

Captain. 

They succeed in their protest to an alarming 
degree. I've often said that the world is man- 
aged by plausible-tongued women. 



BACHELORS. 



Colonel. 



They sit down and scheme — these women do 
— scheme how to entrap some good fellow who 
is generous enough to believe in them. 

Captain. 

Undoubtedly, their object in life is to pull men 
over to their point of view ; that's why it's a 
grievous mistake to underrate them. 

Colonel. 

I know it, Duabray ; I've seen a woman in a 
lawsuit win ^io.ooo by one modest look at the 
judge. Oh, after luncheon remind me, and I'll 
tell you the story of a little scented handker- 
chief. It's just the thing over coffee and cigars. 
A married woman of fifty told it to me. 

Captain. 
Ha! 

Colonel. 

But as you were alone for six months with 
woman suffragists in Australia, you won't mind 
me asking you — did you escape divorce and 
breach of promise ? 

Captain. 

Ha! Ha! Ha! Thoroughly. 

Colonel. 

You must be gifted ; for there must have been 
many nice women amongst them. 



BACHELORS. 25 

Captain. 
I feel that I was lucky. 

Colonel. 

Very lucky and very gifted. You'll perceive 
that I speak rather feelingly on the subject. 
The fact is that prior to thirty, my life was a 
disaster ; I was so healthy and impulsive. No 
divorce cases, but three breaches of promise ! — 
^18,500. After thirty, I had the advantage of 
experience ; or as Victor Hugo says, before 
thirty, the dupe ; after thirty, the rogue ! 

Captain. 

The chaperons in Australia put it this way : — 
Catch a man before he's thirty. After thirty he 
knows too much. 

Colonel. 

At twenty, we men go up town to look at the 
girls. At thirty we go up there also to bank 
our money. 

Captain. 

Yesterday I reached thirty — the age of discre- 
tion. 

Colonel. 

Discretion is the word. Love a woman, and 
ever after she will consider that you and yours 
belong to her. 

Captain. 

That reminds me of the Major of my regi- 
ment. " Are you married ? " he said to me. 
"No," I answered. "Lucky man," said he. 



26 BACHELORS. 

" Why." I asked. " You don't know why," he re- 
plied. " but I do." 

Colonel. 

There's a world of solemn meaning in that, 
Daubray — a world of solemn warning — but it 
just occurs to me to tell you where you can be 
sure of getting the best game. 

Captaix. 
Harkington's ? 

Colonel. 

Oh. no ! The last time I went there I had the 
electric light put into my stomach ! Two doctors ! 
I couldn't take a square meal for several months 
afterwards. No, Smithson's is the place ; it's a 
new place, ten doors below Harkington's, going 
from here. 

Captain. 

Thank, you, Colonel. It's a good thing to know, 
when the other place is so serious. 

Colon kl. 

Where will you be staying in London, Dau- 
bray ? 

Captain. 

Here, most of my time. 

Colonel. 

Charming! We shall see each other often, I 
hope, and have many a good time together. 



BACHELORS. 



Captain. 



You may be sure of it, Colonel. I prefer 
bachelors' society almost to the exclusion of 
other men. 

Colonel. 

Naturally! Bachelors are happier, lighter, 
brisker, brighter. Look at me ! I never lose my 
health, appetite, cheerfulness, .self-confidence, or 
self-respect, due entirely, I need not say, to my 
bachelorism. Whereas, a married man never can 
enjoy a meal, or feel free to say that his life will 
be worth living to-morrow. Yes. Daubray, no 
matter how the married world may bluff and talk, 
nevertheless the fact remains, that bachelorism 
is the elixir of life. (Drinks.) 

Captain. 

Every married man is a bachelor at heart. 

Colonel. 

The plain fact. The fun we have, Daubray — 
the fun we have. A bachelor can fall in love 
with whom he likes without incurring the dis- 
pleasure of his family. Hm ! Daubray — Hm ! — 
Isn't that the size of it ? 

Captain. 

Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! and then when she begins to 
bore him he can go away and love somebody else. 
The way I understand it, Colonel, is this : — 
Bachelorism is the free and easy life, and all the 
ladies like vou. Bachelorism is love and chain- 



28 BACHELORS. 

pagne ; marriage, respectability and soda. And 
one can whisper too that the bachelor has all the 
advantage of correct and — -incorrect behavior on 
the part" of other people without having to be 
correct himself. 

Colonel. 

Yah ! Ha ! Exactly ! Yah ! Though of course 
one dares not say so to one's married friends ; 
because, don't you see, all the orthodox ideas 
are established by henpecked men, and the laws 
are made by henpecked men, and judges, coun- 
sel, and jury are henpecked men. And a Parlia- 
ment of henpecked men might tax us heavily at 
any moment. 

Captain. 

Yes ! Everywhere we turn, the attitude of the 
married towards the unmarried men is, we are in 
the soup ; therefore you should be in it also. (As 
the Captain begins this last speech, Mrs. Rem- 
frey enters and ejaculating "Oh!" comes run- 
ning down the room. And before the Colonel 
or Captain is aware of her presence, and just as 
the Captain finishes the word ''also" she throws 
her arms around the Captain's neck.) 

Mrs. Remfrev (kissing Captain). 
My darling boy ! 

Captain (taken aback but delighted). 
Aunt ! (Rises.) 



BACHELORS. 29 

Mrs. Remfrey (stiffly, as Colonel rises). 
Good afternoon, Colonel Watson ! 

Colonel (formally, politely). 

Good afternoon, Mrs. Remfrey ! 

(Mrs. Remfrey takes hold of Captain's hands, 
one in each of hers, and kisses him again. 
As she does so the waiter speaks quickly 
and aside.) 

Waiter (aside). 

Parbleau ! she love him ! Ze Colonel will bite 
ze glass ! (Withdraws.) 

Mrs. Remfrey (speaking hysterically, and run- 
ning on without waiting for answer). 

My darling boy ! My friends and I went to 
the railway to meet you, but a dozen extraordi- 
nary blocks and mishaps made us late. You are 
looking remarkably well ! I'm in raptures at 
seeing you again ! The porter told us where 
you'd gone. You dear 1 Let me look at you ! 
(The Colonel during this speech has stepped a 
few paces away, and speaks his asides with face 
averted from Mrs. Remfrey and Captain.) 

Colonel (aside). 

Yah ! Annie Remfrey always was a gusher and 
a scene maker. 

Mrs. Remfrey (in the same hysterical manner). 

There's no need to say that you've quite re- 
overed from your wound. 



3 o BACHELORS. 

Captain. 

And now that I've recovered from my surprise, 
Aunt, I can 

Mrs. Remfrey (hysterically interrupting). 

John, dear ! You are not angry with me be- 
cause I'm a little demonstrative ? There's no- 
body here ; see, the room is empty ! Besides, 
I'm your foster-mother. 

Captain. 

My dear Aunt, how could I get angry at any- 
thing that you did ? 

Mrs. Remfrev. 

Still, I know that you were always adverse to 
being kissed publicly. But I had to kiss you ! 
Let me look into your eyes. (She holds him by 
his hands at arm's length for a few moments ; 
then kisses him again ; then holds him at arm's 
length again admiringly.) 

Colonel (aside). 

It simply bores me. this sort of thing. She's 
been the same ever since she was sixteen — kiss- 
ing !— kissing boys, kissing girls, kissing puppies, 
kissing kittens, kissing beetles, babies, butterflies. 
It makes me tired. 

Captain. 

You can see, Aunt, that I am brimming with 
pleasure at seeing you again. 



BACHELORS. ;i 

Colonel (aside). 

Too much of a gentleman, as folks say, to shut 
down on her kissing. A thorough young gentle- 
man this Daubray. I'm immensely taken with 
him. 

Captain (surveying Mrs. Remfrey). 
Aunt, you are looking younger than ever. 

Colonel (aside). 
I knew he'd say that. She'll believe it too ! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Tut ! Tut ! Tut ! John ! Don't pamper your 
Aunt's vanity ; though 1 love to hear you say 
anything. (Then in deeply earnest voice.) John, 
dear, it's not true what I've heard — that you were 
married in Australia ? 

Captain (stepping back with expression 
of astonishment). 

Aunt ! married ? I ? 

Colonel (coming forward and speaking 
with politest tone). 

M.rs. Remfrey, the man who marries is the man 
of small brain — of poor quality ! 

Mrs. Remfrey (with impulsive anger). 

Colonel Watson ! I perceive that you are 
anxious to corrupt my nephew ! 



32 BACHELORS. 

Captain (deprecatingly). 
Aunt ? Aunt ! really ! 

Colonel (slightly ruffled, but with profuse bow 
and politeness of tone). 

Madam, he is incorruptible. When I had the 
honor of meeting him just now, I met as stead- 
fast a bachelor as myself. 

Mrs. Remfrey (angrily). 
I protest, Colonel Watson, against your rude- 
ness. 

Captain (interrupting). 

Aunt, pardon me for interrupting you ; but 
there is nothing to trouble about. Colonel 
Watson is prompted by the best of good humor, 
that's all. And in answer to your question, Aunt, 
I assure you that (then laughing) I was not mar- 
ried in Australia ; Ha ! Ha ! they never marry in 
Australia. I am a bachelor. Could I be better ? 

Colonel (turning his head aside, and 
laughing softly). 

Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Mrs. Remfrey (angrily). 

Colonel Watson ! You are laughing ! you 
might (Enter Mrs. Maclin and Edith.) 

Captain. 

My dear Aunt, forgive me once more. You are 
taking Colonel Watson with dreadful seriousness. 



BACHELORS. 33 

(At this moment they are joined by Mrs. Maclin 
and Edith. Mrs. Maclin comes forward to Mrs. 
Remfrey, but Edith hangs back, four or five 
paces. Mrs. Maclin interrupts Mrs. Remfrey.) 

Mks. MACLIN (touching Mrs. Remfrey's arm on 
the word " seriousness," and speaking with 
mirthful vivacity). 

Mrs. Remfrey, we felt that we were left in the 
cold, so we came too. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Oh, I'm indeed sorry, Mrs. Maclin ; I'd have — 
but — never mind, let me introduce you. Colonel 
Watson, Mrs. Maclin, Miss Milling'ton ; Captain 
Daubray, Mrs. Maclin, Miss Millington. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Has Mrs. Remfrey explained that I was the 
chief cause of our being late, Captain Daubray ? 

Captain. 

Mrs. Remfrey told me that a combination of 
misfortunes hindered you. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Destiny, Captain Daubray. First I tear my 
skirt ; that delays us fifteen minutes ; then we 
meet the procession, a mile long ; we turn out 
of our course ; dart up a side street to escape a 
fire-engine ; ten minutes of impatience there ; we 
start again, and an accident happens to our har- 
ness. 



34 BACHELORS. 

Edith. 

Yes, it was decreed, Captain Daubray, that we 
should not meet you at the railway ; although 
when we started, we had half an hour to spare. 

Captain. 

I felt a little disconsolate, I must confess, when 
I got out of the train, and our old groom Robbs 
— the porter — gave me the one hand of welcome. 

Editu. 

If it had been I, I should have burst out cry- 
ing on the platform. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

My dear, don't say that or I shall do it now ! 
John, dear, your telegram did not arrive in time 
for us to communicate with your father and 
uncle. They are away somewhere in Scotland. 
None of us expected you to come overland, 
straight home like a carrier pigeon. 

Captain. 

No, Aunt, of course you didn't. I always come 
zig-zag, roundabout, ten days late, even then 
unexpected. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Like our course this morning. 



BACHELORS. 35 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Yes, I'm sure you'll consider me a bad guide in 
London, Mrs. Maclin — that omnibus that blocked 
us was of itself enough to make you wish your- 
self back in your beautiful country home. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

My dear, don't remind me of my beautiful, 
peaceful country home. Don't remind me of the 
varied scenery that bewitches the eye from my 
verandah; or make one allusion to the bracing 
fresh air. I am worn out with repose and salub- 
rity. Rather give me a London fog, a narrow 
street, a collision with an omnibus, and a driver 
who uses language. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Ha ! Ha! As you like incident, you should en- 
joy the season this year, for it will be particu- 
larly brilliant and exciting. With the army back 
ngain, festivity will be the order of the hour. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

I shall enjoy the close air and crowded jost- 
ling of a ball-room (stepping to the side of Edith, 
and a little apart from the others), won't you, 
Miss Millington ? (Colonel, Captain and Mrs. 
Remfrev talk among themselves.) 

Edith. 

I am thinking of there being nobody at the 
railway to meet Captain Daubray. 



36 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

That seems to be running in your head, my 
dear. (Laughing kindly.) Ha ! Ha ! Now that 
you are Mrs. Remfrey's protegi' you should be 
the first to forget it. (Softly.) Don't blush, dear. 
(Mrs. Maclin and Edith talk together.) 

Mrs. Remfrby. 
The races to-day week. 

Captain. 
Colonel, you'll join our party ? 

Colonel. 

Delighted, Daubray ! (Mrs. Maclin and Edith 
turn to the others.) 

Mrs. Rem prey. 
Lady Wallace's dance two days after. 

Captain. 
What do you say, sir ? 

Colonel. 
Delighted, Daubray ! 

Edith. 

Then three other dances, winding up with the 
big event— the Military and Civil Ball a month 
hence. 



BACHELORS. 



Mrs. Maclin. 



Oh ! 1 want to dance when I think of it. Don't 
you, Colonel Watson ? (She gives the Colonel an 
expressive look, on which he and she step aside.) 

Colonel. 

I enjoy a good ball, Mrs. Maclin, as well as 
any man or woman can. 

Edith (pleadingly). 

Will you tell us about the campaign, Captain 
Daubray ? (Mrs. Remfrey, Edith and Captain 
retire up stage, waiter hurries forward from side, 
hands chairs to them, they sit; waiter offers to 
hand Mrs. Maclin a chair.) 

Mrs. Maclin. 

No, thank you, waiter. (Waiter returns to side.) 

Mrs. Maclin. 

I'm very glad to meet you, Colonel Watson. 
I've been hoping for the pleasure some months 
past. 

Colonel. 

I am highly honored; vour arrival could not 
have been more opportune, Mrs Maclin. 

Mrs. Maclin (confidingly). 

I heard anger in the air ; so I didn't wait at the 
door any longer. 



38 BACHELORS. 

Colonel (temporising). 

You know then that Mrs. Remfrey and I are 

old — friends ? 

Mrs. Mac li nt. 

And enemies. She's the match-maker and 
you're the match-breaker. 

Colonel. 

Neat, indeed ! (Aside.) I wonder what she is ? 
— I must put out a feeler. (To her.) Captain 
Daubray and I — Hm ! (Hesitates.) 

Mrs. Maclin. 

I expect yon were having a gav time when we 
women intruded. I wish I could join you ; men's 
talk is brighter and more interesting than 
women's. 

Colonel. 

Would you say so if you knew that Captain 
Daubray and I were busy condemning matri- 
mony? 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Indeed, I would then ! I mean that I am no 
blind advocate of marriage. I've been a widow 
ten years, and I was married only fourteen 
months. 

Colonel. 

I would like to ask you a question — but I 

(Hesitates.) 



BACHELORS. 39 

Mrs. Maclin. 
Oh ? (She looks at him archly.) 

Colonel (aside). 

Yah ! a charming mischief ! She's inviting 
me, I'm sure. Here goes! (To her.) Mrs. 
Maclin, do you enjoy your life of single-blessed- 
ness ? 

Mrs. Maclin. 

I'm as happy — as happy as you are ! 

Colonel. 

Thunder ! shake hands ! You're a bachelor 
too then, except in sex ? 

Mrs. Maclin (giving him the tips of her fingers 
in a frolicsome way). 
Of course I am. And I always wish that I 
were a man. The world is a grand place for 
bachelors. 

Colonel. 

Splendid ! so there's nothing of the match- 
making woman about you, Mrs. Maclin ? 

Mrs. Maclin (archly, and stepping back). 

Colonel Watson ! do I look like a match-mak- 
ing woman ? (She gazes into his eyes.) 

Colonel. 

Lord, no ! you do not ! Indeed, Mrs. Maclin, 
it's a deliciously new experience to meet a lady 



40 BACHELORS. 

who enjoys moving on a man's plane of thought ! 
Yet you're Mrs. Remfrey's friend, and isn't there 
a trade unionism amongst women and against 
men ? 

Mrs. Maclin. 

To an extent Colonel. But Mrs. Kemfrey 
wouldn't think of obtruding her match-making 
projects upon my consideration. She and I had 
a first and final quarrel on that account some 
five months ago. Since then we have been 
excellent friends, each keeping clear of a mutu- 
ally forbidden subject. 

Colonel. 

That's a proper and sensible arrangement. 
Mrs. Remfrey won't compromise with me ; so I 
don't say twenty words a year to her. Otherwise, 
I'd have had the pleasure of meeting you earlier. 

Mrs. Maclik. 

Ah ! but, Colonel, you're her most active 
enemy. How could she compromise with you ? 
After young Medway's affair for instance, last 
season. Mrs. Remfrey had her heart set upon 
that match. Tl en Medway met you, and after 
that — he never met poor Miss Reylton again ! 
No wonder the sparks flew when Mrs. Remfrey 
and you clashed just now. Mrs. Remfrey calls 
you a woman-hater. (Archly.) That's hardly 
appropriate, is it ? 

Colonel. 
I ? Why, I like all women, sensible and silly. 



BACHELORS. 41 

Mrs. Maclin. 
Why that distinction, Colonel ? 

Colonel. 

The sensible ones to talk to ; the silly ones to 
flirt with. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Colonel ! Colonel ! To which class did the 
ladies belong who figured in your breach of 
promise cases ? 

Colonel. 

Ha ! Ha ! They were sensible ones who pre- 
tended to be silly. 

Mes. Maclix. 

So you admit that you were more or less 
guilty then ? 

Colonel (dubiously). 
Hm ! to a trifling extent. 

Mes. Maclin. 

All trifling, Colonel, on your part ? 

Colonel. 

Ha ! No indeed ! I wish it had been. But you 
see, I did the paying — and that's no trifling. It's 
the one who pays who is sincere. 



BACHELORS. 



Mrs Maclix. 



Still you were glad to buy your liberty at the 
price ; for, Colonel, you do believe in going 
alone. You have it in your walk. 

Colonel. 

Oh, I know it, Mrs. Maclin. And I am very 
grateful for the privilege of speaking freely to 
you. (In rollicking voice.) Ho ! the gay, free 
gait of the bachelor ! There's nothing like it in 
the whole world ! I can tell a bachelor from a 
married man, merely by the way he walks ! 

Mrs. Maclin. 

True, Colonel, true ! You have such a spring 
in your step. I remarked it to Mrs. Remfrey the 
first day that I saw you. But it's not your gait 
that annoys her. It's the way that you put your 
hat on. " There ! " she said, as we saw you pass 
from a house into the street ; " there is a man 
who is lost." " Lost ? " I asked. " Yes, dear," 
she replied ; " lost to us ! He'll never marry ! 
Look how he puts his hat on ! " 

Colonel. 

Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! A generous compliment from 
my enemy. (Turning and looking at Mrs. Rem- 
frey ) There she is ; still occupied with Dau- 
bray, although we've given her a long time. 
But as she hasn't seen him for three years, what 
do you say to taking a turn upon the balcony 
while she has a second innings ? 



BACHELORS. 43 

Mrs. Maclin. 

An excellent suggestion ; though we are keep- 
ing you and Captain Daubray from your glass of 
wine and fun. 

Colonel. 

Don't mention it, Mrs. Maclin, don't, please. 
(As they walk towards door.) We'll be back 
shortly, Captain Daubray. (Exeunt.) 

Mrs. Remfret (coming with Captain and Edith 
. to stage centre and speaking protestingly). 

Oil, John ! there's no truer saying than the 
one about evil communications. 



Captain. 

You alarm yourself without reason, Aunt ; the 
Colonel invited me to lunch with him, and 



Mrs. Remfrey. 

And gave you the hint just now when he went 
out. Well, we won't keep you ; especially as 
you're coming to dinner this evening. But 
meanwhile let me advise you with regard to him. 
His own sister told me that he was born with a 
wicked face. 

Captain. 
That's too bitter. Aunt. 



44 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

I cannot express my bitterness at your making 
a chum of the nasty Colonel. I feel it worse 
than a wound. 

Edith. 

But if Captain Dxubray accepts him as a 
friend, the Colonel must have good qualities. 
Mrs. Remfrey. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Child dear, when I asked Captain Daubray 
was he married in Australia, the Colonel snig- 
gered like a clown. (She turns her head and 
thinks in a state of abstraction.) 

Edith (timidly). 
You are not married, Captain Daubray ? 

Captain. 

No, Miss Millington ; nor has the idea of 
getting married entered my head as yet. 

Mrs. Remfrey (turning suddenly). 

Oh ! I'd rejoice to see the wretch married. I'd 
give my ears to see him under the thumb of a 
strong-minded woman. 

Captain. 

Yes, Aunt — to see him with a timid — hunted 
look 



BACHELORS. 45 

Edith. 
Vou mean Colonel Watson, Mrs. llemfrey ? 

Mrs Remfkey. 

Child dear, of course I mean the confirmed 
sinner who spends his time making money, quizz- 
ing the dressed birds in the poulterers' shops, and 
slandering women and marriage. 

Captain. 

Aunt, allow me. I've conversed with the 
Colonel and become rather a friend of his. Like 
many a man, he's a veteran bachelor. Even so, 
he has the undeniable right to his own opinions. 

Mrs. Kemfrey. 

Yes, but his opinions are his sins, and I cannot 
forgive them. He has balked more marriages 
than any thousand gossips — his pet saying is that 
a woman loses the fool's cap when she marries a 
man. He's the ruling spirit of the fashionable 
bachelor set ; and our young men take notice of 
what he says, because he has distinguished him- 
self several times in battle. And so in that way 
he uses his Victoria Cross as a license to sneer at 
women. (Pauses.) Oh! it's the ideas! — the 
ideas! — that he puts into the minds of our young 
men ! I feel it is my duty to hate him. 

Edith. 

I am sure that Captain Daubray wouldn't speak 
unkindly of women, Mrs. Kemfrey. 



46 BACHELORS. 

CAPTAIN'. 

I hold my Aunt's sex in the highest esteem, 
Miss Millington. Aunt, you're very severe on 
the Colonel; and yet from what he has told me, 
I conclude that at least three women have been 
in love with him. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

In love with a brute whose idea of romance is 
— roast goose for supper! What use is such a 
man to the world? Oh, I'd — oh, I — oh, I'd like 
to screw his neck! 

Captain. 

My Aunt who says her prayers night and morn- 
ing! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

I can't keep my feelings under, John! I'm 
madly vexed at your making a chum of him. 
When I came here just now I'd have lifted you 
up in my arms, if I had had the strength, and 
have carried you away. 

Captain. 

Well, Aunt, won't you, for my sake, tolerate 
him with that formal politeness which is the best 
way of disagreeing? 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

If you will promise me that you will not be 
influenced b\ r his bias. 



BACHELORS. 47 

Captain. 

You may rest assured, Aunt, that in this case 
I will follow my own counsel and not another 
man's. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

That is all I would ask, but, John, although 
you have a shrewd discrimination, still (looking 
at him lovingly), Colonel Watson is Colonel Wat- 
son, and I hope you are not attracted to him. 

Captain (lightly laughing the question away). 
Aunt! 

Edith. 

I should rest quite happy with Captain Dau- 
bray's promise, Mrs Remfrey, for doubtless it's 
the other way — Colonel Watson is attracted to 
Captain Daubray. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 
It should be so indeed. 

Captain. 

Really, if both of you compliment me like this, 
I shall begin blushing. 

Edith. 

Oh, you've done braver deeds than Colonel 
Watson. (Enter Colonel and Mrs. Maclin.) 



4 8 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Child (putting her hand on Edith's), here he 
is. We'll have to be going, in order to keep Mrs. 
Maclin's appointment and yours with the photog- 
rapher. 

Colonel (to Mrs. Maclin). 

Daubray will come, I'm certain; then we'll 
have the half-dozen to make a comfortable the- 
atre party — next Wednesday. 

Mrs. Maclin. 
Next Wednesday, Colonel. 

Mrs. Remfrey (softly). 

We'll see you at dinner, John — but don't bring 
him. 

Captain. 
I understand, Aunt. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Mrs. Remfrey, it's three o'clock; we'll be late 
again, if we don't go at once. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Yes, Mrs. Maclin, I was just remarking the time 
to Miss Millington. Well, say good-bye for the 
present, Colonel Watson. 

Colonel. 
For the present, Mrs. Remfrey. 



BACHELORS. 49 

Mrs. Macon (spicily). 
Next Wednesday, Colonel Watson. 

Colonel. 
Next Wednesday, Mrs. Maclin. 

Edith (softly). 
Good afternoon, Captain Daubray. 

Captain. 

Till this evening, Miss Millington. (Ladies 
bow and leave. Colonel and Captain do not 

sit.) 

Colonel (signalling to waiter to bring another 
bottle of wine). 

We'll celebrate the occasion with another bot- 
tle, Daubray ; then we'll go up to my sitting- 
room and have coffee and cigars. 

Captain. 

As you like, Colonel ; I'm free for the after- 
noon. My Aunt and her friends can't forgive 
themselves for being late. 

Colonel. 

And yet ladies are always late, Daubray — 
(dropping voice) except when they are going to 
be married ; a lifetime's observation has shown 
me that. 



50 BACHELORS. 

Captain. 
Ha! Ha ! Ha! if Aunt could hear. 

Colonel. 

I must set myself clear with you, Daubray. 
Your Aunt 

Captain. 

Is a match-maker ; consequently she and you 
don't hit it. 

Colonel. 

She gives me a dose of sarcasm each time we 
chance to meet. I don't retaliate in the slight- 
est ; but naturally, I've rather avoided her. I 
need not say, that apart from the match-maker, 
I have the profoundest regard for your Aunt. 

Captain. 

I comprehend the situation. Colonel, thor- 
oughly ; and so that you and I shall feel no un- 
easiness on that score, I may tell you that I ob- 
ject just as much as you do to my Aunt appoint- 
ing herself a free, vexatious, matrimonial agency 
for London. 

Colonel. 

I'm not surprised at it, Daubray ; and candidly 
speaking, if I may take the liberty — I'd like to 
tell you — that the ladies of your Aunt's set go 
out of their way to be unpleasant towaids me. 
( ,\ aiter enters, pours wine, and falls back to his 



BACHELORS. 51 

position ; Colonel speaks and sips wine.) They 
don't like me. Plainly speaking — I understand 
them and they know it. And married men don't 
like me either — they resent my unmarried look 
of superiority 

Captain. 

Ha ! Ila ! Ha ! It's clear that you and I are 
of one mind, Colonel. (They sip their wine.) 

Colonel (convinced that Daubray is on his side, 

speaks with great gusto, freedom, and 

animation). 

I'd like you to have been here last season, 
Daubray. Poor little Pippin, the parson — intro- 
duced into your Aunt's set. They pounced upon 
him, the poor little fellow, and married him to 
big Miss Trumper — a big hungry girl — five feet 
ten in her stocking feet! — she could eat a pud- 
ding the size of Pippin. I don't mind if a bird is 
given a fair chance. But this Pippin marriage 
was like tying a tame partridge up by both legs 
to the post there (imitating man holding gun) 
and taking a pot shot at him from here. 

Captain. 

Downright cruelty ! Especially when we re- 
member that any woman is the wrong woman to 
marry. Women are very nice to flirt with, but 
(toying with glass) they should be married to the 
other fellows (Holding up glass and looking at 
it.) We bachelors sip the honey, but dodge the 
sting, (limptics glass.) 



52 BACHELORS. 

Colonel. 

Of course. (Drinks.) Why, being a bachelor 
for three weeks of the year is a married man's 
holiday ; and he looks forward to it all the other 
fifty-two weeks. 

Captain. 

You have seen married men meet each other ? 
It's this way and with this tune : — " Brother, you 
have your troubles " 

Colonel and Captain. (Shaking hands.) 
'• And I have mine." Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! 

Colonel. 

Call it telepathy or what we will, the idea 
struck us together, and therefore it must be 
right. Yes ! Yes ! a married man's troubles be- 
gin with the honeymoon. A man on his honey- 
moon looks the man who has lost a sovereign 
and found sixpence. My friend Belson, a con- 
noisseur in cigars, on his honeymoon had to give 
up smoking. A tourist, too, had to give up 
walking. Up-hill, she had heart-burn ; down- 
hill, she had chilblains ; plain road, she sat down ! 
Ah ! Matrimony's no picnic. 

C APIA IN. 

Why does a man marry ? That's the riddle ! 
Is it because where women are concerned a man 
is just a man — got no head ? Or is it that there 
is a trap for every bird, however wary ? 



BACHELORS. 53 

Colonel. 

I wouldn't like to -believe the trap theory, 
Daubray. Besides, that's not it. Many men live 
and die bachelors. I believe that the scientific 
explanation is that men who marry mistake pain 
for pleasure. Now consider Relmer, who mar- 
ried one of the Gillyer girls ; fifteen years ago 
I'm speaking of. Relmer said to her, "Will you 
marry me ? " " Yes," she replied ; " we'll go now." 

Captain. 

To the parson ? 

Colonel. 

No, to get a special license. Because, as she 
said, "You might drop dead in five minutes, 
Charley ; we'll go now." You see women are in 
such terror of dying old maids. 



Did he go 



Captain. 



Colonel. 



Go ? Since then she has presented him with 
thirteen children and a book on etiquette. 

Captain. 
Why the book ? 



54 BACHELORS. 

Colonel. 

Why the kids? These women don't wait for 
reasons. And now she struts about spending 
Relmer's money as if it were her own, and telling 
everybody — (imitating plaintive feminine voice) 
" Oh, Charley is so happy ! I've left him at home ! 
He's so fond of the babies." (In his own voice.) 
Clearly, the man mistakes pain for pleasure. 
There's no other explanation. 

Captain. 

Ila ! Ha ! Ha ! Unless it be that a man can 
get used to anything. 

Colonel. 

Not to marriage ! Oh, no ! not to marriage ! 
Every man has his limitations fixed there. No 
man can get used to marriage. He can say that 
he can. That's all. 

Captain. 

I declined a squatter's daughter and ^40,000 
a year in Australia. 

Colon el. 

Whew ! what would make you marry, Daubray, 
what fortune ? 

Captain. 

Neither a fortune. nor a throne ! But what I 
fear, Colonel, is this — we see so many clear- 



BACHELORS. 55 

headed, active-brained men toppling over into 
the married state, that we are forced to believe 
that — that other power, that influence, spell or 
magic, brings about their downfall. 

Colonel. 

I've seen many of them led like lambs to the 
altar. Big Wharton — sworn against marriage ; 
Polly Envers, the pretty actress came along. 
Jefferson, the Swordsman of the Grenadiers — 
spent fifteen years hating women ; Miss Wyling 
put her little finger on his shoulder. Mulrede, 
the best boxer and wrestler in our regiment ; a 
parson's bashful daughter smiled at him under 
her parasol. There's no denying facts. The 
love, charm, beauty, and vivacity of woman — 
that's our menace, Daubray. 

Captain. 

Aye, aye, Colonel ! I believe it must be so. 
Cubid fires an arrow into the heart ; and a bach- 
elor — is — dead. 

Colonel (pours wine for Daubray and himself, 
and holds up glass). 

But we're alive, Daubrav, and we'll never suc- 
cumb. Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! The Ladies and Bachel- 
ors, Daubray ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! 

Captain (holding up glass). 

Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! The Ladies and Bachelors, 

Colonel ! 



56 BACHELORS. 

Colonel (clinking glasses with Daubray). 
Bachelors ! Bachelors ! — for Ever ! 

Captain. 
Bachelors ! Bachelors ! — for Ever ! (Thev drink. 



ACT II. 

Scene. — A conservatory. Military and Civil Ball. 
Military are in uniform 

The conservatory is not large, and the seats in 
it are few. Ferns and evergreens are numerous 
in it, and are so arranged, that people sitting on 
one seat are hidden from the observation of 
those sitting on other seats. 

Couples saunter in and out at intervals. 

Just before the curtain rises, and as it rises, a 
waltz that can be heard distinctly but softly by 
audience is being played in ball-room. The 
instant the curtain is up, Mrs. Maclin enters 
through Y, and comes quickly to stage centre. 

"X " is a door leading towards supper-room. 

"Y" leads towards ball-room. 

" M " to the garden. 

Seat " T " is in the middle of the conservatory. 

Mrs Maclin (enters through Y and speaking as 
she is coming to centre). 

Oh ! my heart's in a flutter ! I'm going to 
waltz again with ^the Colonel. I've known him 
now just a month ; and my first impression is 



£8 BACHELORS. 

correct. He is a fine fellow — a splendid man ; 
and I love him. And despite his scepticism, he 
has one soft spot in his heart, and I shall enter 
through that, and once inside, he'll never get me 
out again ! I love him, and I'm going to have 
him ! (Euns to door Y.) Oh, there he goes ! 
he's looking for me. (Turning and coming to 
left centre.) Let them say he'll become fat ! 
(In soft, confiding voice.) I think fat men are 
lovely ! They get as amiable as dov.s when 
they have loving wives. (Louder.) And fat 
men have such beautiful laughs ! (Pauses and 
thinks ; then speaks.) Ah ! it's a great blessing 
to have been married once ; you know the ropes 
so well. Every man is a nice man if a woman 
knows how to take him. (Goes to door Y.) Here 
he comes ! ^Turns back ; then confidingly.) I'm 
dying to nestle my cheek against his. (Reaches 
left centre directly in front of Y. Yes, despite 
all they sav against him, I'm ready to go away 
with him on a honeymoon to-morrow. (She 
pretends to get interested in the ferns immedi- 
ately on her left, as if she were unconscious of 
his coming ; her back is towards Y. Colonel 
enters through Y. 

Colonel (he approaches a few steps, but stops 
when not half way.) 

Damn me, if I don't feel a trifle embarrassed ! 
(Fixing eye-glass and looking at her.) She's a 
stunning stylish woman. I had a dream about 
her last night. I dreamt that I had been 
wounded in action, and that she came to me, 
bandaged my wound, and held my head up, 



BACHELORS. 59 

nursing me. And when I closed my eyes, she — 
kissed me — a beautiful kiss ! — it was simply — 
heavenly ! However, (dropping eye-glass and 
advancing) my dance, Mrs. Maclin. 

Mrs. Maclin (turning, affecting surprise). 

Oh, Colonel ! I'm so glad you've come ! Do 
you know I've been reckoning up the days — and 
I find that we have seen each other twelve days 
out of the twenty-eight since first we met. 

Colonel. 

Indeed — and in those twelve pleasurable days, 
Mrs. Maclin, we've not had the slightest tiff or 
misunderstanding. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

No, Colonel ! not even an indication of one. 

Colonel. 

(Captain Daubrav, with Mrs. Tomlinson on his 
arm, enters through Y ; both are looking in 
each other's faces laughing). Oh, hang it ! here's 
Captain Daubrav ! Shall we go into the ball- 
room, Mrs. Maclin ? (They go round right of 
seat T so that the ferns screen them from Dau- 
brav and Mrs. Tomlinson, and exeunt through Y.) 

Captain and Mrs. Tomlinson (looking in each 
other's faces as they come down stage 
laughing merrily). 

Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! 



60 BACHELORS. 

Captain. 
But a married lady lrke yourself, Jess 

Mrs. Tomlinson (interrupting). 

Knows how to keep her lips closed ; also how 
to open them and yet say nothing. (They reach 
seat T, but both remain standing.) 

Captain (kissing her). 
So ! 

Mrs. Tomlinson (in alarmed tone). 

Be careful ! (Looking about her.) Arc we 
safe from observation here ? 

Captain. 

Yes ! —the ferns are placed admirably. (Look- 
ing towards X, and Y, and M.) Nobody could 
see us until quite close ; and we'd hear anyone 
coming before that. 

Mrs. Tomlinson (looking about her). 

We mightn't though ! And it wouldn't do to 
be caught, for though it's the first time we've 
stolen away together, nobody would believe it 
was. 

Captain. 

Another specimen of botany is all we need. 
(He places large fern on right of seat T.) Now 
if we sit down we're screened perfectly. (They 
sit.) Isn't it a lovely nook for this ? (He kisses 
her ) 



BACHELORS. 61 

Mrs. Tomlinson (rather loudly, and with pre- 
tended resentment). 

No indeed! I shall have to be angry with you. 
(Laughingly, softly.) Only you do things so well, 
jack, that one has to forgive you. 

Captain. 

Kissing is the nicest form of politeness — or 
this is. (He takes her in his arms and squeezes 
her). 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

Oh! Oh! You brute! you hurt me! (Then 
in whimpering, caressing tone, as she tries to 
shove him away with her hand against his breast.) 
You are taking advantage of your strength, you 
nasty big thing. (She pouts and he kisses her 
again on the lips.) You don't loose time, Jack. 

Captain. 
No! kiss and play while the sun makes hay. 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

Indeed, yes, you need to! my chaperon will be 
here in half an hour. 

Captain (patting her cheek). 

Will he, darling? Ha! Ha! Ha! Three cheers 
for hubby, Jess! silent ones! One! (Kiss.) Two! 
(Kiss.) Three! (Kiss.) Now you cheer! Your 
turn, Jess! 



62 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Tomlixsox (half playfully, half 
passionately). 

Naughty (kiss), naughty (kiss), naughty (kiss) 
boy! Ha! Ha! Oh, Jack! Isn't it delicious? 
(Laughingly.) Isn't it shocking? 

Captain. 

And all for hubby's benefit. It puts you in a 
good temper for him. 

Mrs. Tomlixsox (laughingly). 

Oh, you're the dearest — dearest scamp in Lon- 
don! You're a treasure of a man. (Stroking his 
face with her fan.) You've saved my life. I was 
half dead with the blues when I came here this 
evening; but now I'm as gay as sunshine, and as 
young as fifteen. 

Captain. 

To every married lady I would say, " Your ail- 
ment is — monotony. I prescribe a good lively 
flirtation to be taken as a tonic three times a 
week. And don't be afraid of taking an over- 
dose." 

Mrs. Tomlixsox. 

And even then to make a success of matri- 
mony, you require a husband who isn't happy 
unless he is buying you — ahem!— everything. 

Captaix. 
I wonder how you came to make your mistake, 
Jess? 



BACHELORS. 63 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

Heaven only knows! I don't. A girl befoie 
she's married is so green, that perhaps she ought 
to be thankful that she hasn't done worse. But, 
oh! I do get tired of Reginald. I wish that they 
could serve him up in the form of a curry! Now, 
he's only hash; and hash ruins one's digestion — 
makes one as cross as a bear. 

Captaix. 
Yet if Reginald were to arrive now? 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

Oh, I'd run and kiss him, and tell him that I 
was glad that he'd come. I know my business as 
a wife, Jack. Do you know what I do? 1 put my 
chin into his cheek and press with all my might. 
11a! Ha! Ha! Its hurts him dreadfully, and the 
stupid thinks its love. 

Captain. 
Is he jealous? 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 
Inclined! 

Captain. 
Poor weak dear! It's a shame! 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

But I keep him docile. I stroke him the right 
way. For instance, this is how I'd talk to him 



r> 4 BACHELORS. 

about you. " Captain Daubray? Pooh! The 
conceited man who waltzes as if he had the 
stringhalt." I have to be sarcastic, you know, 
Jack, because Reginald is such a miserable man 
himself; when he walks he looks just like a 
starved pullet. I dare not praise a young man or 
a man who waltzes well because Reginald thinks 
that both those kind of men would squeeze a 
woman. 

Both. 
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Mrs. Tomlinsox. 

Fancy Reginald knowing that ! And he went 
down on his knees when he proposed to me. I 
w r as nearly kicking him for a fool. By the way, 
Jack, what would you say if Reginald Percival 
Tomlinson chanced to mention me to you ? 

Captain. 

I'd affect the conciously hurt, and say to him, 
"I passed your wife in town the other day, Mr. 
Tomlinson. I was quite close to her, and I 
thought she was going to bow; but although she 
seemed to look straight at me, she did not ac- 
knowledge my recognition in any way." 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

Hal Ha! Ha! Would you? Oh, you're — a — 
vou're — a — (tapping his cheek with her fan.) 
You are — Jack! 



BACHELORS. 65 

Captain. 

And then he'd — haw — apologize in a profuse 
way — haw — while all the time he'd be chuckling 
inwardly at my apparent discomfiture. (Imitat- 
ing Tomlinson's affected manner.) ''Haw ! the 
little woman cut him dead ! Haw !" 

Mrs. Tomlixson. 

Yes, Yes ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Thafs poor silly 
Reginald to the life. But there, somebody must 
have the rod and somebody the hook in mar- 
riage ; and why should I take the hook ? Especi- 
ally as Reginald seems satisfied with things as 
they are. 

('attain. 

What more could a reasonable husband ask ? 

Mrs. Tomlixson. 

No ! But I'm forgetting ; how did you get on 
in Australia ? Flirting in the summer there is so 
tiring that it's not fashionable, I understand. 

Captain. 
I did none at any time. 

Mrs. Tomlinson (fanning herself very calmly 
and leisurely, and looking at him sideways 
and archly.) 

And he says it as coolly as a bishop ? (Turn- 
ing her full face to him and looking at him fix- 
edly. ) Did you become a kangaroo in Austra- 
lia ? 



66 BACHELORS. 

Captain. 
Ha ! Ha ! Don't you believe me ? 

Mrs. Tomlinson (ironically). 

Please inform me, Jack, is Australia a country 
with no girls dying to be married ? No married 
women dying to be kissed by a nice young man 5 
Eh, Jack? Eh, Jack? Eh? Is there — no- 
feminine gender, in Australia ? 

Captain. 

While I was there, 1 studiously avoided any- 
thing that 

Mrs. Tomlinson (with a mother's petting voice). 

Did urns get away ? Did urns run away as 
hard as its ittle legs would carry it, from naughty 
rude girls who'd have kissed its ittle lips and its 
ittle cheekses ? It's a dearum dearums ittle Sun- 
day school boy it is. (Tapping his cheek with 
her fan.) And did urn say its ittle prayeis ebery 
night ? 

Captain (laughing and protesting innocence). 
Really— I— didn't 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

Den it shall hab a bit ob toogar it shall ! 
(She kisses him.) Truly, Jack, how many hun- 
dred girls did you kiss out there ? 



BACHELORS. 67 

Captain. 

None whatever ! The fact is, Jess, that I, 
being in love with you, couldn't bring myself to 
think about another woman. 

Mrs. Tomlinson (leans back and sings in a light 
mocking tune of her own). 

Oh ! Ho ! Johnnie was a soldier ; 
Oh ! Ho ! Johnnie crossed the sea ! 
(Says.) Oh, Jack ! and you didn't find a new 
love ! 

Captain. 

No, never thought of it. 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

And you say it without a blush ! (At the word 
" without " Mrs. Remfrey enters through door X, 
pushes the ferns noiselessly aside with her hands, 
and looking at the pair, shows by her gesture and 
facial expression that she has found what she ex- 
pected.) Kiss me, story-teller, I can't help lov- 
ing you ! (Mrs. Tomlinson turns her face full to 
Daubray, purses her lips, and makes the sound 
of kissing so as to invite him to kiss her.) 

Mrs. Remfrey (aside). 

The way to kill this sort of thing is by an 
awful suddenness ! (Then, gathering up her 
skirts so as to emit n) sound, she advances tip- 
toe right upon the pair, whose faces are now 
gradually coining together, both the while mak- 
i ng the sound of kissing.) 



68 BACHELORS. 

Captain (taking Mrs. Tomlinson's hand). 
Jess, I close my eyes, and dream ! 

Mrs. To.mlinson. 

So do I, Jack ; I think that kissing is so much 
nicer in the dark. (As the two faces are meet- 
ing, Mrs. Remfrey drops her hand between them, 
and Mrs. Tomlinson and Daubray kiss the hand 
simultaneously, then both spring up ; Captain 
goes two or three paces to the right, Mrs. Tom- 
linson to the left.) 

Mrs. Tomlinson (as she and Daubray spring up). 
My God ! 

Captain. 
Aunt ! 

Mrs. Remfrey (with composed, provoking voice). 

Your husband has arrived and is looking for 
you, Mrs. Tomlinson ! 

Captain (aside). 
I never had a kiss like that before ! 

Mrs. Tomlinson (with icy, deliberate anger). 

Thank you, Mrs. Remfrey. It's kind of you 
to run my husband's errands. But nren't you 
discreet enough to know that I am the one 
woman who has the legal and moral right to 
obey Mr. Tomlinson, except — a paid servant. 



BACHELORS. 69 

Mrs. Remfrey (loftily, as she draws herself up to 
full height). 

Pray ! pray ! don't allow me to ruffle your 
feathers. 

Mrs. Tomlinson. 

Not in the least. On the contrary, you might 
run an errand for me as you did for my husband. 
You might run back to him and tell him that I 
am flirting here with Captain Daubray. No ! tell 
him that 1 said Jack — my Jack. 

Mrs. Remfrey (not moving, and striving to com- 
pose herself). 

Mr. Tomlinson doesn't take the same interest 
in flirting that his wife does. 

Mrs. Tomlinson (sneeringly). 

How disappointing for you, Mrs. Remfrey ! I 
must scold Reginald. What we married women 
come to a ball for is to have a good flirtation ! 
Where is Reginald's sense of etiquette ? 

Mrs. Remfrey (flushing with anger). 
Have vou finished ? 



Mrs. Tomlinson. 

A ball is flirting — dancing is preliminary flirt- 
ing. With stinging insinuation.) Where were 
you, Mrs. Remfrey, when Reginald thought it 
best to send you here to me ? 



70 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Remfrey (steps two or three paces forward, 
and speaks with dignity and severity). 

I've listened to you ! Now you listen to me ! I 
take no notice of your silly aspersions. (Sternlv 
and deliberately.) You know why I intruded ! 
you are sufficiently sensible to take the good 
lesson I've given you. 

Mrs. Tomlinson (disdainfully, as she steps for- 
ward to Mrs. Kemfrey). 

You 

Captain (stepping instantly up to her and inter- 
rupting with whisper). 

Don't quarrel ; Aunt will scream in another 
second ! (Loudly and offering arm.) Shall we 
finish our waltz, Mrs. Tomlinson ? 

Mrs. Tomlinson (collecting herself) 

Thank you, yes, Captain Daubray. (Takes 
Captain's arm.) My husband will see me in the 
ballroom, if — he is looking for me ! (Walking 
out with Captain, and looking back over her 
shoulder as she fires her parting shots at Mrs. 
Remfrey.) If — he is looking for me ; IF— he is 
looking for me ! (Exeunt through Y.) 

Mrs. Remfrey (who is very pained, stands some 
moments looking after them ; then drops 
into seat and fans herself tiredly and slowly). 

Oh-h — oh-h — (Fanning herself.) My boy ! — 
My boy ! — (closing fan as she drops her hands 



• BACHELORS. 7 r 

on her lap) running after other men's wives ! — 
Oil ! — the wicked spirit of the world ! — I feel 
certain, however, that I've settled Mrs. Tomlin- 
son's affair. That's a deep satisfaction. (With 
quick voice and manner.) I picked her out, the 
moment she. came into the ball-room. (Slowly.) 
There arc women like that ! The instant you 
see them you say to yourself, " Miss one of the 
men — you will find him in a dark corner with 
Mrs. X, or So-and-So." (Pause.) I don't like to 
say so, not even to my husband — not even to 
myself — but it is a fact that it's a mistake to let 
some women out of the harem. (Fans herself a 
few moments tiredly ; then stops fanning and 
speaks contemplatively.) Other women are born 
angels — Oh — Mercy ! — my mother used to say — 
when angels are in love — a chaperon is the 
guardian of fools ! — Oh ! (Snatches up her skirts 
in front and runs off through Y ; simultaneously 
Daubray and Edith enter through X.) 

Captain (with Edith on his arm, pauses at X 
and glances through X at Mrs. Remfrey, 
who is going to ball-room). 

Aunt just missed us. (They advance to centre ; 
then gently.) It reminds me of the evening after 
the tennis party. (Slowly and tenderly.) Do you 
remember — I kissed you ? 

Edith. 

I hope that Mrs. Remfrey will not be vexed 
with me ; she asked me to wait her re* urn in Hie 
ball-room. 



72 BACHELORS. 

Captain (gently). 
She won't be vexed. 

Edith. 

She wouldn't mind mc being here, I hope ? 

Captain. 
Oh, no ! Of course not. 

Edith. 

I wanted to be with you, Captain Daubray. I 
was very pleased when I saw Mr. Tomlinson meet 
his wife and you, as you were entering the ball- 
room together. 

Captain. 

Yes, Mr. Tomlinson had just arrived ; and his 
wife asked me to allow her to finish the waltz 
with him. She had been looking forward to hav- 
ing a dance with her husband. 

Edith (sincerely). 
I expect that she would feel lonely without him. 

Captain. 

Indeed yes ! She is a most attentive and duti- 
ful wife — in fact she spoils her husband — (aside) 
by the way she thinks about him. 



BACHELORS. 73 

Edith. 

How nice of her! But I'm sure (turning her 
head this side, then that side, uneasily) that Mrs. 
Remfrey will be looking for me, Captain Dau- 
bray. 

Captain. 

Shall we go into the ball-room? She will be 
certain to see us there. 

Edith (sadly, regretfully). 

Yes ! I should. 

Captain (giving her his arm and making 
towards M). 
This way 

Edith (stopping). 
That is the way to the garden, is it not? 

Captain. 

Oh, no! — to the ball-room, via the garden. 
(She hesitates.) Why not this way, Miss Milling- 
ton? (Very tenderly). Edith. (Exeunt, looking 
at each other lovingly, as Colonel Watson and 
Mrs. Maclin enter through Y.) 

Colonel (putting eye-glass to eye and looking 
after them, as he and Mrs. Maclin reach left 
centre). 

Mrs. Remfrey interferes with Mrs. Polliver and 
me, but she doesn't interfere with thai, Mrs 
Maclin! Confound her! Pardon me, Mrs. Maclin, 



74 BACHELORS. 

but I must confound Mrs. Remfrey. She is try- 
ing her best to marry that girl to Daubray; and 
Daubray doesn't seem to be aware of it. 

Mrs. Maclin. 
Are you sure? 

Colonel. 

The sun would alter its course if that woman 
wasn't trying to make some match by hook or 
by crook? A week after we were introduced, 
you remember, she contrived to leave them to- 
gether on the lawn at the races. That was quite 
enough for me! Confound the woman! 

Mrs. Maclix. 

Just before we had our last waltz, Colonel, 
Mrs. Remfrey told me that you insulted her to- 
night. 

Colonel, 

If I did, she deserved it! At any rate, hear my 
version, and judge between us. I was having a 
lark with frisky Mrs. Polliver, when up came 
Mrs. Remfrey and thrust in her nasty tricky 
tongue. "Oh, Colonel! " she gushes; "I'm so 
fond of bacon, especially for breakfast! " Mrs. 
Polliver, being fat, and foolish, laughed one 
" OH/ " that burst her — laces — and rushed off for 
repairs. Then the insidious Mrs Remfrey flut- 
tered up to me with dove-like voice and gesture, 
and cooed, " Will you forgive me, Colonel? I 
was only giving you a hint to take me to supper 



BACHELORS. 75 

when the time arrives." I know as well as she, 
tha ther real intention was to make me ridiculous 
in Mrs. Polliver's eyes. So, I, sensibly, though 
not politely, answered, "I'll take you to supper 
when you are muzzled." And then I came over 
to you. 

Mrs. Mac lin. 

Think no more about the incident, but — will 
you ask me to go to supper instead? 

Colonel (bowing profusely). 

Mrs. Maclin! the greatest honor of my life! 
(Enter Mrs. Remfrey hurriedly through X; she 
takes a hurried, angry look round, and goes off 
through M into the garden.) 

Colonel. 

Phew! isn't she in a fume! She raised the 
temperature! Phew! Temper! (Puts eye-glass 
to eve and walks towards M to look after Mrs. 
Remfrey.) i She can cool it in the arbor, or with 
the night dew of the roses. (Mrs. Maclin goes 
towards Y and standing at doorway looks towards 
ball-room. The Colonel, having looked after 
Mrs. Remfrey for three or four seconds, turns 
and surveys Mrs. Maclin, who continues to look 
through Y.) Charming woman the widow! Bless 
her! — in perfect sympathy with Daubray and 
myself! (Walking to her.) Shall we go to supper 
now, Mrs. Maclin? 



76 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Mac lix. 

Thank you, Colonel; we shall enjoy ours Ives. 
Look, Colonel, isn't that Miss Millington — and 
Captain Daubrny? 

Colonel (looking through Y). 

Coming through the ball-room? Yes! and 
coming here. Jt's the tip for us to go to supper, 
Mrs. Maclin. Come! (Exeunt through X; al- 
most immediately enter Daubray and Edith 
through Y.) 

Captain. 

Missed Aunt again. Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Edith. 

I feel that 1'am doing wrong! won't she be 
angry with me, Captain Daubray? 

( ' \l> I' A IX. 

Wouldn't you put up with that, for my sake? 
(They sit; seat T.) 

Edith. 

I love being with you; but I don't like playing 
hide-and-seek with Mrs. Remfrey. I feel it's — 
not — quite — honorable. 

Captain (in persuasive tone). 

Oh, you're too sensitive! (In bright tone.) 
Wasn't it amusing when she passed us at the 
dark wall? I could have (putting out his hand) 
touched her — she came so close. 



BACHELORS. 77 

Edith (smiling). 
She must have heard you — kiss me. 

Captain (laughing). 

She did ! she halted at once upon the gravel 
as if she had been shot ; then turned — Ha ! Ha ! 
Ha! — (Mrs. Remfrev enters through Y; and 
stepping noiselessly advances some steps from 
doorway, and gentlv holding ferns back, looks 
through them) and found another couple — while 
we glided away ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! 

Mk\ Remfrey. 

At last ! after searching the garden, the arbor, 
three conservatories, and the promenade ! (The 
Captain folds Edith to him, Edith resisting 
slightly. He keeps her in that position. They 
talk between themselves.) How beautiful it is 
— to look upon love ! Ah, my foster son, and 
my darling protege ! two hearts will be broken 
if this does not end in marriage. (Daubray 
kisses Edith.) As her chaperon I should stop it ! 
(Makes a step forward, but stops.) No, as her 
chaperon I should allow it to go on ! It's her 
chance, dear angel, and if she doesn't get him 
she breaks her heart and mine ! Oh, Mrs. 
Grundy ! how we poor women do love men ! 
and what hypocrites you make of us, in this un- 
natural world ! (The Captain raises Edith's 
face and kisses her on the lips.) Shall I stop it? 
(Hesitates.) No ! Love is a mighty power for 
any man to be playing with ; and when a woman 
loves with devotion such as hers, the man cannot 
help reciprocating it ! (Exit through Y.) 



78 BACHELORS. 

Edith (disengaging herself). 
Sh-h-h ! didn't you hear something? 

Captain. 

No ! there's nothing but the sound of our 
kisses and your sweet warm lips, my Edith ! (He 
kisses her.) 

Edith (nestling her head against his breast and 
shoulder). 

I can hear 

Captain. 

What, my love ? 

Edith. 
Your heart beating ! 

Captain. 
Why do you listen to that ? 

Edith. 

I want to hear what it is saying. (Puts her 
ear against his breast.) 

Captain. 
What does it say ? 

Edith. 
Love ! love ! love ! love ! that's what it says ! 



BACHELORS. 79 

Captain. 
How can you so interpret the heart's beating ? 

Edith. 

I love ; and love has wonderful ears and eyes 
— that is how I know that you love me. 

Captain (aside). 
I've been dreaming. 

Edith. 
Am I right? 

Captain. 

Y-es ! (Aside.) I can't say no, and I half be- 
lieve I do love her ! 

Edith. 

It is beautiful to hear that you love m e. 

Captain (aside). 
I must watch myself. 

Edith. 
Do you know what my heart says ? 

Captain (aside). 

I must laugh her out of it ! (To her gaily.) 
Thump ! thump ! thump ! thump ! that's what 
girls' hearts say — husband beaters ! 



So BACHELORS. 

Edith. 

Oh ! you're making fun of it ! Oh ! such a 
pain ! 

Captain. 
Did my words hurt you ? 

Edith. 

Terribly ! My heart has loved you for five 
years — ever since the day that you sat opposite 
me in the train to Brighton. We were strangers, 
but when you looked into my eyes, my heart 
leaped, and my love awakened. And my love 
grows deeper every time I see you. 

Captain (aside). 

This is too deadlv serious in all conscience — 
they say that in love, the one goes mad and the 
other catches the infection. 

Edith (watching him and speaking very softly 
and pleadingly). 

You — do — love — me ? 

Captain (hesitatingly). 
Yes ! 

Edith (sadly). 
You hesitate ! why ? 



BACHELORS. Si 

Captain (aside). 

I must never get alone with this little girl 
again. (To her, looking round.) I expect that 
Mrs. Remfrey is still looking for us ; shall we go 
and find her ? 

Edith (pleadingly). 

No ! won't you stay here ? Are your thoughts 
sad 5 

Captain. 

Mrs. Remfrey is looking for us ; and she'll find 
us ; so will the others. And they'll talk. 

Edith. 

I don't mind ; I'd like the whole world to know 
that I love you ! 

Captain (aside). 
The world would laugh. 

Edith. 
So long as you love me 

Cap lain (interrupting). 
Miss Millington 

Edith (interrupting). 

Why not Edith? you called me Edith just 
now. And you said you loved me. 



82 BACHELORS. 

Captain (aside). 

I shall be the worst cur unhung if I'm not 
careful. (To her.) Edith, it is foolish to love. 

Edith. 

So the tongue says, but the heart says love ! 
love ! love ! 

Captain. 

Often the heart does not love. 

Edith. 

While it beats it says love, love, love. There 
comes the hour when it says love for the las} 
time ; after that — it is dead. 

Captain (seriously, reflectively). 

After that — it is dead ! Those words take me 
back more than twenty years — to the one sorrow 
of my life. 

Edith. 

You speak of the death of your mother. 

Captain (slowly, reflectively). 

I was little more than a child when she died. 
She had been unconscious for hours, and I had 
gone to bed worn out with sorrowing, and child- 
like had fallen asleep. I was awakened by tears 
falling on my face ; and then my father lifted 



BACHELORS. 83 

me up in his arms and said in a heartbroken sob, 
" She's gone, Jaek ; her heart has beaten for us 
the last time." 

Edith. 

Mrs. Remfrey has talked to me so frequently 
about your mother that I seem to have known 
her quite well. 

Captain. 

Bless you for a sympathetic angel ! 

Edith. 
Your mother never did an unkind act. 

Captain (aside). 

Very different from her son. (To Edith.) My 
parents were very deeply attached to each other ; 
theirs was a romantic cuurtship. 

Edith. 
It was, as it should be. 

Captain (musingly). 

They were in each other's thoughts every mo- 
ment of the day. 

Edith. 

Yes, Yes, isn't it sweet ? 

Captain (musingly). 

A blue sky of a marriage day, with the sun 
shining happiness everywhere. A honeymoon 



84 BACHELORS. 

amid frngrant orchards and lovely scenery ; 
mornings and evenings where the great mount- 
ains slumbered in beauty, and woke but now and 
then to shout that life is eternal and existence is 
a joy. 

Edith. 
It is love itself. 

Captain. 

Yes, Edith — those words were written by my 
mother. 

Edith 

Mrs. Remfrey lias told me that your mother 
never swerved a thought, a hair's breadth, in her 
devotion to your father. 



Captain (aside). 

Lord ! how slow I've been ! I see — Aunt has 
filled Edith's head with my parents' romance, and 
doubtless is now working to bring about a match 

Edith. 

And your father was equally true to her. (Mrs. 
Rem f rey enters on tiptoe through Y. and advanc- 
ing as before, pushes the ferns aside and listens.) 

Mrs. Remfrey (aside). 
Eavesdropping is a sneak's business ; but I 



shall go crazy if I don't listen. 



BACHELORS. 85 

Captain (aside). 

I'll question Edith. (To her.) Aunt has told 
you this story of my parents very often ? 

Edith. 
Yes, and she has told me of her love for you too. 

Captain. 

Yes ! Aunt, having no children of her own, 
has been the best of foster-mothers to me, and I 
return her tender regard. 

Mrs. Remfrey (aside). 

Oh, you dear boy ! I believe that he has pro- 
posed to her ; they're sitting and talking as if 
everything were arranged. 

Edith. 
Your Aunt speaks so lovingly of you. 

Captain. 

And Aunt is very fond of speaking of my par- 
ents' happy marriage, and of the events that led 
up to it ? 

Edith. 

Yes ! and she says that the reason of their hap- 
piness was that each was ideally true to the other. 

Mrs. Remfrey (aside). 

I'm sure its settled ! I'll go away and cry with 
joy. (Starts to tiptoe out, but halts as Captain 
speaks.) 



86 BACHELORS. 

Captain. 
And has Aunt said anything about you and me ? 

Mrs. Remfrey (impulsively darting forward). 

Oh, here you turtle-doves are ! (They rise con- 
fusedly.) I heard your question, John, as I came 
in, and what I say is this : Heaven sent this dear 
girl to you. (Seeing the Captain's forbidding 
look.) Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! (Puts her hands over her 
face and falls into seat.) 

Captain (apologetically). 

(To Edith.) You must forgive my Aunt's con- 
duct, Miss Millington ; if you will kindly excuse 
me I will go and find my partner ; I am engaged 
for the lancers. (Exit hastily through Y.) 

Edith (heartbrokenly). 
Oh, Mrs. Remfrey ! Oh, Mrs. Remfrey ! 

Mrs. Remfrey (bursting into tears). 

Don't scold me, child. I'm a meddling conse- 
quential fool like most women of my age ! 

Edith (kindly). 
Don't insult yourself, Mrs. Remfrey. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

I do and I should. Captain Daubray now be- 
lieves that you and 1 have conspired and plotted 
for the purpose of marrying you to him. 



BACHELORS. 87 

Edith (hotly). 

Mrs. Remfrey ! he'll never think that of me, I'm 
sure ! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

He'll believe it to be designed on my part if 
not on yours. A man like him who has travelled 
the world over and seen a great deal of human 
nature — and human chaperons — my dear ! look 
how convincing are appearances ! 

Edith. 

Don't cry, Mrs. Remfrey! don't worry about 
appearances ! Unless Captain Daubray truly 
loved me, I'd never wish to marry him — not even 
— if — I — died ! (Buries her face in her hands and 
sobs silently but with her whole body trembling.) 

Mrs. Remfrey (sobbing hysterically). 

I've spoilt everything ! I'm a horrible idiotic 
nuisance ! 

Edith (conquering herself). 

Sh — h — h, Mrs. Remfrey ! you'll go into hys- 
terics in a minute ! Do come into the garden 
and calm yourself. 

Mrs. Remfrey (rises ; then hysterically). 

It is very kind of you, dear, to care for me 
when I'm the — (sobs) the — (sobs) the — murderess 
of your happiness ! 



88 BACHELORS. 

(Edith and Mrs. Remfrey, arm in arm. go out 
through M ; and when just outside they are passed 
by the Colonel and Mrs Maclin, who, arm in arm, 
come through the garden to enter the conserva- 
tory. They now enter through M, Mrs. Maclin 
being sparkling, and the Colonel (exceedingly 
jaunty, self-assured, and gay. Two or three steps 
inside the conservatory they disengage arms ; 
and the Colonel, putting his eye-glass to eye, 
stands and looks through M towards garden. 
Mrs. Maclin, the while, looks at him with loving, 
admiring eyes. Lancers strike up.) 

Colonel (with tinge of curiosity and concern). 

(Clearing his throat.) Hum — m — m ! (Then 
airily.) As I'm a sinner! it was ! as I'm a sinner, 
it was Mrs. Remfrey! 

Mrs. Maclin. 
With Miss Millington ! 

Colonel. 
And weeping! 

Mrs. Maclin. 
Miss Millington seemed to be comforting her! 

Colonel. 

My enemy in tears! I've often noticed that 
people who treat me badly get a bad time them- 
selves afterwards. I wonder what is the matter ( 
(Mrs. Maclin goes to door Y, Colonel immediately 



BACHELORS. 89 

follows her, and both look towards ball-room.) I 
see Daubray there dancing with Mrs. Polliver ! 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Something's happened ! Shall I go and in- 
quire ! 

Colonel (profusely). 

If you would be so kind, dear Mrs. Maclin ! 
(Exit Mrs. Maclin through M. The Colonel 
looks after her.) Gad ! I think the widow is a 
bit touched on me — I do. ! (Striking his chest.) 
Vanity! Vanity! Bah! Vanity! (He is alone 
in the conservatory, and while the widow is 
away, he puts in his time gazing towards the 
garden after her; stepping over to Y and look- 
ing towards ball-room ; dancing scraps of the 
lancers figures to the music that can be softly 
heard — interspersing it all with the following 
speeches. He is decidly festive, but not intoxi- 
cated to the least vulgar degree.) Ah, she's a 
dear soul, she is ; I came here to enjoy myself, 
and, by Jove ! I'm doing it! I've had a famous 
supper — and enough champagne — enough — not 
too much. Ha ! Ha ! Enough is an art ! A 
rosy time I'm having! The widow is a grand 
woman — doesn't object to anything reasonable — 
had a tip-top cigar while walking round the 
paths with her. Nice name she has — Bessie. I 
guessed it, second try. I suppose it is too good 
to hope that some fiasco has occurred in trying 
to hook Daubray ! Ha ! (striking his chest) 
that's too good to hope for! that's champagne 
talking — I wish she'd come back. (Walking to 
door Y.) I wish — hullo ! here she is ! Ah ! she's 



9 o BACHELORS. 

speaking to Daubray. She looks glorious under 
the lights ! She makes a man's heart warm ! By 
thunder! I'll kiss that woman before the night's 
over. (Comes to left centre.) I wonder if she 
would now ? I wonder ? By Gad, I'll try ! I've 
a very good notion that she would. (Taking coin 
out of his pocket.) Twice out of three. (Tosses 
coin.) Heads she will. (Catches coin in left 
hand, claps right hand over it.) What is it? 
(Raises right hand.) She will. (Repeats toss, 
catch, and hand clap.) What is it ? (Raises 
right hand.) She will. (Quickly.) She will — 
she shall ! (Turns to meet her, but stops as 
she enters through door Y, with her finger on 
her lip, with an air of mystery ; she tiptoes up to 
him.) 

Mrs. Maclin. 

What do you think ? 

Colonel. 

Lord! what! I've no idea! (Aside.) Her 
breath is as sweet as a baby's. 



Mrs. Maclin. 
I oughtn't to tell you. 



Colonel (in inquiring apologetic voice). 

Oh — h — h ? (Then assuringly.) But it doesn't 
matter, Mrs. Maclin ! You are one of us, you 
know ! It's dead the moment you say it ! 



BACHELORS. 91 

Mrs. Maclin (coming temptingly close to 

him). 
Guess ! 

Colonel (aside). 

Lord ! she's irresistible ! (To her.) Lord 
knows ! Mr. Remfrey eloped — or 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Miss Millington — Captain Daubray— complete 
bundle ! 



Colonel (drawing back in astonishment). 
Never ! 

Mrs. Maclin. 
Yes ! 

Colonel. 
How ? 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Mrs. Remfrey played interloper in a love 
scene, and ruined everything. 

Colonel. 

Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ho ! Ho ! Ho ! What a lark ! 
Gad! it couldn't be better ! It's too funny for 
anything. Let us sit down, Mrs. Maclin, and 
congratulate ourselves. (Thev sit ; seat T — she 
fans herself calmly, looking straight before her ; 
he watches her.) They admitted it too ? 



9 2 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

They confided it in their own way ; they 
couldn't help themselves. They've gone home. 
(A pause; she looks in front of her and fans 
herself, coquettishly smiling ; he watches her 
with undisguised admiration; she glances at him 
and away again a few times ; then she points 
with her fan to the back of her shoulder next 
him, and speaks with coquettish tone, look, and 
manner.) Colonel ! is my dress torn, just here 
somewhere ? (She nestles up to him.) 

Colonel (putting eye-glass to eye and scrutiniz- 
ing her dress). 

No — Mrs. Maclin. 

Mrs. Maclin (moving herself coquettishly). 
Sure ? 

Colonel (looking again long and carefully). 
No! 

Mrs. Maclin (looking at him invitingly and 
speaking in innocent voice). 

Isn't it ? 

Colonel (looking again). 

No ! (Aside.) Damn it ! what does she mean ? 
she's teasing me to death. I must kiss her — I 
must venture! — Richard Dudley Watson! — ad- 
vance ! (He puts his arm round her and tries to 
draw her to him ; she struggles, and gets upon 
her feet crying out.) 



BACHELORS. 93 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Oh, Colonel ! Colonel ! whatever has come 
over you ? (She breaks partly away ; he, rising, 
catching her by each wrist and thus holding her) 
She, with head thrown back, and face averted, 
keeps him at distance, dodging his repeated 
efforts to kiss her.) Colonel ! No! Don't No! 
I won't! Let me go! Colonel! I can't let you 
kiss me! I'm strictness itself! — no man has 
kissed me for ten years ! 

Colonel. 

Gad ! It's time you commenced again then, 
Mrs. Maclin ! Let me give you a nice new be- 
ginning ! you'll be bound to enjoy it ! 

Mrs. Mai: lin. 

Colonel ! you're very rude ! Let me go ! let 
me go ! No ! no ! (They pause, each being out 
of breath ; he keeps hold of her wrists ; there is 
silence ; she drops her fan purposely and speaks 
in supplicating voice.) Bother! that's my fan! 
Please pick it up, Colonel ! 

Colonel (laughing). 

No, no, Mrs. Maclin ! I can pick that up after 
I've kissed you. (He tries again to kiss her.) 

Mrs. Maclin. 

I'll never allow it ; it would spoil our friend- 
ship. 



94 BACHELORS. 

Colon kl. 
Nonsense ! it would make it even sweeter. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

No ! Colonel ! No ! Friendship keeps kissing 
out ! It's distinct ! When we begin kissing, we 
begin loving, and when we begin loving, we be- 
gin marrying ! 

Colonel. 

Lord ! I must kiss you ! — if I die a married 
man ! 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Heavens, Colonel ! what if I took you at your 
word ? 

Colonel. 
Take me ! but give me the kiss ! 

Mrs. Maclin. 

You don't mean that, Colonel ! you'd regret it ! 
I'll be your true friend, and not allow it ! No, 
Colonel ! S — h — h - h ! Quick ! there's some- 
body coming ! Quick ! Let me go ! (She 
wrenches herself free and runs almost to door 
Y ; then stops, turns, and laughs.) Ha ! Ha ! 
Ha! there's nobody! Ha! Ha! I beat you that 
time, Colonel! And you won't catch me again! 
She runs off, waving her hand, he making a 
vain effort to catch her. He comes back and 
picks up her fan. Then, sitting down, he looks 
at fan.) 



BACHELORS. 95 

Colonel. 

She's a darling! She wrought wonders in me 
while I was holding her. It was delicious to feel 
it was she, of all women. And her dear plump 
arms! Oh, I was intensely happy! I was lov- 
ing her the whole time! There's such go in her! 
such life! such spirit! And how beautifully she 
conducted herself! Kind, firm, let me go to the 
farthest inch that friendship would allow ; but 
not a point farther. She's right, of course. I 
should not attempt to kiss her against her will. 
(Pause, then slowly.) A strange feeling came 
over me as I was trying to kiss her ; she seemed 
to have been with me all my life— a dear, good, 
noble, considerate friend. (Quickly.) By thun- 
der! I do think a lot of that woman! I'd re- 
pose any confidence in her! — I would — I would. 
(Pause ; then Mrs. Maclin enters through door 
Y, comes forward a few steps, and looks round 
fern.) 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Colonel, if I come in, will you behave ? 

Colonel (rising). 

Mrs. Maclin! I cannot tell you how grateful 
I am to have this chance to tender you a thou- 
sand apologies. I am most sorry that I should 
have given you cause for offence. 

Mrs. Maclin (advancing). 

I am not — exactly — offended, Colonel ; but 
you ought not to have done what you did. 



96 BACHELORS. 

Colonel. 

I understand — it is most kind of you to for- 
give me. I wouldn't lose your friendship for 
the world. 

Mrs. Maclin . 

Colonel, look at my face. It is too red to go 
into the ball-room. 



Colonel (aside). 

What lovely cheeks! I could kiss them for- 
ever! (To her.) And the redness is my doing! 



Mrs. Maclin. 

Never mind! I forgive you, though I wouldn't 
forgive anyone else. But now we'll sit here and 
talk sensibly. (They sit.) Sha'n't we. Colonel ? 



Colonel. 
Yes! (Offering fan.) Your fan. Mrs. Maclin 

Mrs. Maclin. 

(Thank you. Enter Mr. Fotherway ; Mrs. 
Maclin immediately spreads her fan before her 
face. ) 

Mk. Fotherway. 

The next is ouw dahnce, 1 beweeve, Mrs. Mac- 
lin. 



BACHELORS. 97 

Mrs. Maclin. 
Pardon me, I think you are mistaken. 

Mr. Fotherway. 

Pardon my suggesting it, but if you look at 
youvv pwogwame you will see that I am kwowect. 



Mrs. Maclin. 

I shall not look at my programme, Mr. Foth- 
erway. 

Mr. Fotherway. 

Thanks awfully! (Going.) One of us is 
awfully wude. (Exit through Y.) 



Mrs. Maclin. 

I couldn't dance with him, Colonel — I'm tired. 
Besides, I dislike these young puppies of civili- 
ans who keep pestering married women, and 
women like myself, at social affairs. When I 
was a girl, I used to say that I'd sooner be a 
soldier's slave than a civilian's queen. And 
though many a fine soldier is lost in a civilian, 
I'd say the same now, and feel proud of myself 
while saying it. 

Colonel. 

An old soldier like myself is highly compli- 
mented by such sentiments, Mrs. Maclin. 



9 S BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

Old! How old are you. Colonel? I'm -not 
much younger than you surely, and I'm only 
thirty-three. 

Colonel. 

I'm a little older than that. 



Mrs. Maclin (quickly). 

A day ? (Colonel laughs, and shakes his head.) 
A week ? (Colonel repeats head-shake.) A 
month ? (Colonel again repeats head-shake.) A 
year ? 

Colonel. 

Seven years. (Waltz begins ! the audience can 
just hear it ) 

Mrs. Maclin. 

No! then why do you look so young ? (She 
nestles up to him in the most tempting manner. 
Oh, I know! because you've remained a bache- 
lor. Colonel, I wish that I were a man— a 
bachelor too — your mate — wouldn't we have had 
some fun together ? 

Colonel. 

Yah ! we would ! we would indeed ; we'd have 
been the two best friends on earth ! (Aside.) I 
can feel my arm kissing heis. 



BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Maclin (cooing and nestling). 
Friends who were ever dear to each othei 



Colonel (aside). 

This is more than living, breathing man can 
stand! I'll kiss her ! I'm certain ! I'll swear I'll 
kiss her in a minute ! She won't get awav this 
time ! 

Mrs. Maclin (closer than ever). 
We're the best of friends now, aren't we ? 

Colonel. 

Yes, and always will be, please the Lord ! But 
had you been a man, Mrs. Maclin, we'd have 
smoked together — dined together — laughed 
together — and (Sighs.) 

Mrs. Maclin. 

We do that now, Colonel, don't we? At least, 
I don't smoke ; but 1 enjoy watching you. 

Colonel (aside). 
I'm kissing her with every nerve of my body ! 

Mrs. Maclin. 

But I know, Colonel, what you mean. We 
could have been bosom companions. (Through- 
out this speech she keeps tempting him, until at 



ioo BACHELORS. 

the close her lips are only a few inches from his.) 
We could have begun on one of those grand 
days ; the days that make you feel that you will 
live to be a hundred. And after that, all day 
long, we'd have hither and thither, sipping this, 
enjoying that, with never a care, and never a 
regret. (Gaily.) Heigh ho ! fol de rol de ray ! 
(Musingly.) And then our evenings, evenings 
of brightening fires, of friendly musings, of cosv 
chats, of heart's ease, of dearest confidences ; 
with songs that I'd sing, and airs that I'd play, 
interspersed between. And then, as the night 
grew older, we'd sit close by the fire together, 
and dream the dear old dreams all over again, 
and live again ! The mirth ! the gaiety ! the 
happiness of it all ! While every story, as we 
told it, would be flavored with the aroma of rich 
old wine ! Yes ! Yes ! Colonel, had it been so, 
our lives would have been lives of happy days 
and sweeter nights. 



Colonel (laying his hand on hers, and then tak- 
ing her hand in his). 

Only you would (in broken solemn voice) have 
had to be a woman — for — all — that — to — happen 
— Bessie ! Won't you — won't you — let — me kiss 
you ? Bessie ! 

Mrs. Maclin. 

My Colonel, if you do, I am a woman — and I 
shall love you ; so sincerely, so deeply that I 
would give up all else in the world to become 
your wife ! 



BACHELORS. lor 

Colonel (in broken voice). 

You ! Yon ! — love me ! — Bessie? Let me kiss 
you, Bessie ! I — love — you ! (Takes her in his 
arms and kisses her.) 



ACT III. 



Scene. — Mrs. Remfrey's Drawing-Room. 

Mrs. Remfrey's garden is seen to great ad- 
vatage through the drawing-room windows and 
through doors X and Y. The garden is beauti- 
fied by bright moonlight. It is a mild evening, 
and Mrs. Remfrey is dressed for the opera. Cap- 
tain Daubray is in evening dress. 

" X " and " Y " are two large doors facing 
garden. 

" A " is a side door near " X " ; and " B " is a 
side door near " Y." 



Mrs. Remfrey (goes to door Y, and holding 
back curtain looks out.) 

How sweet the air is ! What a lovely still 
night — a night that makes one think — a night 
for sentiment, for hopes, for dreams ! Such a 
night, for a young man to join his heart to a 
dear girl's. (Turns and walks to centre.) Yet, 
now that I've sent for John, I'm at my wit's end 
what to say to him. (Pause.) And (looking at 
time) in half an hour Edith will be here for me 
to take her to the opera. I do hope that I've ar- 
ranged it for the best. (Walks up and down 



io 4 BACHELORS. 

pondering.) I have been cogitating — this side, 
that side, forward, backward — during the seven 
days and nights that have elapsed since the ball. 
And I cannot shut my eyes to the fact that John 
is the average bachelor, who would seek happi- 
ness in illicit love. It is the way — few men seem 
to have genuine principles until they are influ- 
enced by wife and children. And John, with 
the passionate, impetuous blood of the Daubrays 
throbbing in his veins, is predestined to come to 
grief unless he becomes happily married. 
(Pause.) I have a presentiment of a distressing 
interview. (Pause.) If it comes to the worst, 
I shall speak as plainly to him — as — I — should. 
But I'm on pins and needles. (Pause.) I shall 
trust to a woman's best weapons — truth, love 
and patience ; and thus try to unite my beloved 
protrge and my beloved nephew. 

(Enter Captain through A ; Mrs. Remfrey goes 
up to him and kisses him.) 

Mks. Remvhey. 
Good evening, John. 

Captain. 

Good evening. Aunt. I have come at your 
request ; but I cannot stop long ; I've an ap- 
pointment. (They sit ; there is a pause.) 

Mrs. Remfrey. 
I've not seen you John — since — that painful 



BACHELORS. 105 

Captain". 

I am sorry that it pained you, Aunt. But you 
brought it upon yourself, through trying — to 
hustle me into matrimony. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 
Are you angry with me ? 

Captain (testily). 

No. I used to get angry when women first 
tried to marry me. That was fifteen years ago, 
when I w T as a mere little boy. I wouldn't think 
of getting angry now ; I'm too used to husband 
hunters — the world is full of them. Aunt, I was 
no sooner down with my wound in South Africa, 
than five hundred amateur nurses dolled them- 
selves up to nurse me into health and matri- 
mony. 

Mrs. Remfeey (controlling her anger). 

You think, then, that I intruded purposely on 
Edith and yourself ? 

Captain. 

I haven't concerned myself with that question. 
Aunt. AVhether the intrusion was deliberate or 
accidental is of no consequence — I shall not 
marry Miss Millington. 

Mrs. Remfrey (slowly and collectedly). 

It is the love I have for Edith and for you that 
caused me to intrude. Have you thought of 
Edith's love? 



ro6 BACHELORS. 

Captain (unsteadily). 

I — Aunt ? (Covers his face with his hands ; 
after some seconds, drops his hands, sits up, and 
says with a struggle.) A man can live happily 
without love. 



Mrs. Remfrey (aside). 

He said it with a struggle. I think he loves 
her. (She comes behind his chair, and placing 
her hands around his forehead, speaks.) John 
dear how hot your head is ! 

CAPTAIN (in softened tone). 
Rather, Aunt, how cool are your hands! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 
And warm my heart for you. 

Captain (kindly and half laughing). 

You dear, kind, foolish Aunt ; what an old say- 
ing! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

None the less true. Come, won't you let me 
talk of your future to you ? You know that 
your good is what I wish you. 

Captain. 
It is unnecessarv to mention that, Aunt. 



BACHELORS. 107 

Mrs. Remfrey. 
Then you'll talk with me about your future? 

Captain (rises). 

With you if with no one else, Aunt. But con- 
sider this — you know my income — I can com- 
mand any pleasure that men desire. Is it likely 
that I would be the fool to risk my life of enjoy- 
ment and liberty for the sake of having a girl 
hanging on to my coat tails. Think of it! If 
you were a man like myself, you wouldn't con- 
template marriage for a moment. (Pause ; then 
slowly and half angrily.) Why should I, a free 
and independent bachelor, sacrifice my liberty, 
and fall into line with the married old fossils? 

Mrs. Remfrey. 
John ! 

Captain. 

I mean no offence to anyone, Aunt. But I 
know myself best. My mind is quite clear and 
determined ; I shall go alone to the end. If our 
country has more wars in my time, I can do my 
duty — serve my ambition — best as a bachelor. 
If mine be a time of peace — then with my in- 
come I can want nothing but the freedom to 
enjoy it. So for me — in peace 1 or war — no ties ! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

John dear, a strong man must love something 
— either a virtue or a vice. Won t you choose 



ioS BACHELORS. 

the virtue ? Marriage is what we make it. The 
people who fail in their marriages fail in every- 
thing they undertake. Your marriage would be 
a perfect success. 

Captain. 

My romantic Aunt, it is no use, I assure you ; 
not if we discussed the pros and cons of it for a 
year. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

If 1 were a man, all I'd ask for in the world 
would be the love of a sweet girl. But no ! you 
follow the Colonel. 

Captain. 
Why not marry some sweet girl to the Colonel ? 

Mrs. Remfrev (angrily). 
Marry a girl to the fag end of a wicked life ! 

Captain (humorously). ■ 

Mrs. Maclin does not think that of him. The 
story round town is that she played a lone hand 
at the ball and won him. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

The alert widow can take better care of her- 
self. 

Captain. 
It's said then ; and pretty generally too. 



BACHELORS. 109 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

I haven't seen her since the ball — she's coming 
here to-morrow ; but I should say that it's hardly- 
worth while to ask her the truth of it. It's gos- 
sip, I'm sure. 

Captain (humorously). 

All the same, there's that chance that / 
mightn't be following the Colonel. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

I meant that vou had not been very moral, 
John. 

Captain (walks away and speaks aside). 

Alas ! no ! I'm too kind to be quite moral. 
(Turns to her, expostulatingly.) Moral as men 
go, Aunt ! 

.Mrs. Remfrey (rises). 

Ah, John ! I wish I could let you see yourself 
as you are— prej udice makes you blind. 

Captain (testily). 

So you prescribe marriage as an eye-opener ? 
Aunt'! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

If you were married, you would reach the 
happiness of marriage. 



no BACHELORS. 

Captain (half humorously). 

My dear, well meaning Aunt, I wouldn't reach 
for the impossible. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

John, do be earnest with me. Haven't you 
sometimes felt inclined, a little — to get married ? 

Captain (humorously). 

Earnestly, Aunt, thousands of times — just a 
little. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 
And why did you restrain yourself ? 

Captain (quietly). 

Because a man's life is spent in conquering the 
fool within him. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

John, let me entreat you to be earnest with 
me. And have you never, once, asked a woman 
to marry you ? 

Captain (laughingly). 

Aunt, I wouldn't say a thing so much to my 
disadvantage. 



BACHELORS. m 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Disadvantage! what name would you give to 
that affair of Mrs. Tomlinson's ? I helped you 
there. I stopped you. 

Captain, 

Ha! ha! ha! helped me? Stopped me! A 
woman's logic, Aunt ? I can't help laughing. 

Mrs. Remfrey (deeply pained). 

That is going too far, John. Your uniform is 
the badge of honor ; isn't the soldier as good as 
his coat ? 

Captain (seriously). 

I deserve your censure, Aunt. And I accept 
it. I'd have made a fool of myself, but for you. 
But then, I'm a mortal man and prone to love. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

Then why not love a dear girl who would 
bring you honor and happiness. 



Captain. 

There you go again, Aunt. Begin how we 
may, the chapter ends — John, get married ; or. 
get married, John ; or, get John married. 



ii2 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

It's a man's social duty to marry. That I wish 
you and Edith to marry each other ; yes, it's my 
dearest wish. Why do you object ? A good 
girl is an angel, especially when she is loved. 
How can you object ? 



Captaix (stumblingly). 

I — have — no — reason. But surely I'm a free 
agent. (He moves away from her and speaks 
aside.) It's more serious with me than Aunt 
suspects — I've never been so shaken ! 



Mrs. Remfrey. 

You must have some affection for Edith. As 
soon as you came into the room that night you 
looked for her. 



Captain (aside). 
I never loved before and never suffered. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 
Won't you answer me, John ? 

Captain (aside, suddenly resolved). 

A good exhibition of brutality and it's ended. 
(To Mis. Remfrey.) To speak truthfully. I 
looked for her with the eyes of a connoisseur. 



BACHELORS. 113 

Mrs. Remfrey (shocked). 
John — and yon approached her! 

Captain (with assumed levity). 
With the confidence of long practice. 

Mrs. Remfrey (hotly). 

And afterwards, you, a man, led her to be- 
lieve 

Captain. 

That a conservatory is a good place to spoon in. 

Mrs. Remfrey (agitatedly). 
You kissed her, fondled her in your arms ■ 

Captain (with assumed indifference). 

As a brother — as a duty. She returned it — as 
a sister — as a duty. 

Mrs. Remfrey (angrily). 

For mercy's sake abandon that cruel nonsense. 
You led her to believe you loved her. She 
wouldn't have spooned or flirted. No, don't wave 
your hand and laugh, John. You led her to be- 
lieve you loved her. I know it. Edith has not 
told me. She loves you too well to betray a 
syllable of what occuned between you. (Pause ; 
then"^she comes up to him and speaks heart- 
brokenly.) And you — don't love — her? 



ii 4 BACHELORS. 

Captain (resolutely, after a desperate effort). 

No! (Walks some steps away ; then aside.) 
The word nearly choked me. 

MRS. Remfrey (coming to him and speaking 
with intense anger). 

Then you meant to deceive her. Answer me. 
John! (In rising voice and anger.) Before your 
God I command you to answer me — was it in 
your mind to make Edith your 

Captain (cut to the quick ; then sternly, sharply 
interrupting). 

Stop ! — No ! — before my God ! NO ! — I am not 
the best of men, but I am not the worst. (Ab- 
ruptly.) This discussion has lasted long enough. 
Aunt ; I am going. (She intercepts him.) Let 
me pass, Aunt! I won't submit to your tyranni- 
cal interference in my affairs any longer. It's 
only out of courtesy and regard for you that I 
have submitted. 

Mrs Remfrey (hysterically and beginning to 
weep). 

Oh, John, stay! I must explain myself. I 
spoke hastily, madly. My words went farther 
than I intended. I know that I have no right to 
interfere, but I'm your foster-mother, and you 
don't know how deeply I have your welfare at 
heart, how wisely I am counselling you. A little 
while ago I spoke to you as kindly as I could, 
and you answered me with jests and mockery. 



BACHELORS. 115 

Captain. 
I apologize, Aunt. 



Mrs. Remfrey (recovering herself and coming 
up to him). 

Kiss me, John. I know that you are worthy of 
her. (He kisses her. Looking into his face.) 
There's a tear in each of your eyes, John! 
(Pause.) John! while we have been talking, 
hasn't a struggle been going on in your heart ? 



Cap Iain. 

Vd be a brute. Aunt, if I were not touched by 
your kindness and good wishes. (He walks away 
and speaks aside.) I'll break down like a fool if 
I don't mind. (Turning to her and forcing him- 
self to almost his usual gaiety.) Aren't we bachel- 
ors hen-pecked? — Aunt! Hen-pecked! hen- 
pecked! 



How, John ? 



Mrs. Remfrey, 



Captain. 



Every woman whom a bachelor meets tries to 
marry him to herself, or to some other woman. 
(Mrs. Remfrey puts her handkerchief to her eyes 
three or four times.) 



n6 BACHELORS. 

Captaix. 

Don't cry, Aunt — because I am too sensible to 
marry — because I know too much to marry. 

Mrs. Rlmfrey (pleadb gly, as she puts her hand- 
kerchief away). 

Are you hardening yourself again ? 

Captain. 

Aunt, you surely wouldn't try to worry me in- 
to matrimony — against my will and inclination. 
I cannot become a married man. A married 
man is so ridiculous, prosy, cut and dried. He 
must conform regularly to character, conven- 
tionality, and rides. While a bachelor can be 
what lie likes, when he likes — a devil-may-care, 
a devil-go-anywhere — free to do or undo, as the 
mood takes him. No! No! In peace or war 
— no ties! 

Mrs. Remfret (still excited, but controlled, firm, 
and decisive). 

There are two moods before you now, John — 
two ways of life — the libertine and the man of 
honor. You must choose one or the other. I 
know the strength of money-— the first power in 
the world, and your passions and your money 
will, if you like, make you almost independent 
of law, morality, principles, conventions — every- 
thing. This night is the crisis in your life. You 



BACHELORS. 117 

stand at a point from which these two ways of 
life go forth. Which do you choose ? (Pause.) 
The libertine or the man of honor — which is to 
wear the soldier's coat ? which is to hold the 
commission of the Queen? (Pause.) Shall I 
choose for vou, John ? 



But, Aunt- 



Oaptain. 



Mrs. Remfrey. 



There are no buts, no problems. There are 
only settled rules and laws of life that men and 
women must obey. Marriage is no subject for 
argument! When you are as old as I, you will 
regard it as I do. 



Captain (drily). 
It seems to me that marriage is all argument. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

The argument of love, of nobility, of pure liv- 
ing ; the argument of good against evil. 

Captain (stubbornly). 

I don't think so ; I consider it the oldest way 
of looking foolish. 



i iS BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

John, John, your speeches are prompted by 
selfishness! Oh! the selfishness of men ! 



Captain (angrily). 

Selfishness ? Aunt, don't try to humbug me 
with the word selfishness, even if you do hum- 
hug yourself. Selfishness! Go to the Derby — 
a million of money — men's money on the 
women's backs. Go to a Court ball — men's mil- 
lions — in the women's jewels, and fal-fals. Men's 
love for women is the goose that lays the golden 
eggs. Woman's selfishness makes men slaves. 
Look at the nations, the millions upon millions 
of men, who toil heavily, under unhealthy con- 
ditions, all their lives merely for the sentiment 
they feel for women. Selfishness! Merciful 
Heaven! woman is the incarnation of selfish- 
ness! 



Mrs. Remfrey. 

You don't know enough of a woman's world 
to judge her. You are caught and deceived by 
the superficial. Women are fond of dress and 
ornament — it's their weakness or their strength 
—it's a question which. But neither show nor 
riches can buy a woman's love. 



Captain (lightly, tauntingly). 
Ha? Sure? Aunt? Think again. 



BACHELORS. "9 

Mrs. Rkmfrey (clearly, decisively, forcibly). 
As sure as Heaven rules! Money buys that 
other feeling that takes the place of love with 
the degraded and the dissolute. When you say 
that woman is the incarnation of selfishness, I 
answer yes! the bad woman. The bad woman 
who rarely selects a bad man as her victim, but 
who, with the instinct of the weakling, fastens to 
the real man, the man whose veins are full of 
blood, whose heart is full passioned, whose in- 
most self is strong, and good, and true. It is nut 
because I would save women from men that 1 
seek to bring about marriages; but because, 
equally with that, I would save men from women. 
Ah John! how many men who might have risen 
to honor, fame, or glory, have ended with that 
old epitaph-Delilah destroys Samson! (Pause.) 
Defeat, disgrace, and death! what an end to an 
ambition ! 

Captain. 

Aunt, this century began with the eyes of the 
world upon bachelors whose success founded an 
empire. 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

John' It is a marriage, a father, a mother, a 
family, a nation, that founds an empire; not a 
bachelor. 

Captain (very unsteadily). 

I dare say that view is as right as mine, Aunt. 
But rightly or wrongly I have— (stops)- the— trie 

— (stops). 



120 BACHELORS. 

Mrs. Remfrey (taking hold of his hand and 
pleading most tenderly). 

John, a few minutes ago, I was listening to 
your passions and your reason combining to 
trick your conscience. And I prayed Heaven to 
help me guide you aright. Love is too serious, 
too sacred, for man or woman to dare treat it 
badly. You have loved Edith; kissed her, fondled 
her, changed her from the girl to the woman. 
You don't understand, perhaps, that a woman's 
love means the lasting joy or sorrow of her life. 
Edith loves you as no other woman will love 
you. Such love is the greatest blessing that can 
come to a man; and it comes but once in his 
life, bringing him the offer of sweet companion- 
ship, and long and happy years. Think. I beg 
you ! 



Captain (trying to master his emotion while his 
eyes are looking to ihe floor, and Mrs. Rem- 
frey still holds his hand). 

A woman! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

A joy! 

Captain. 

And a sorrow! 

Mrs. Remfrey. 

No! a joy! the love of a woman — a man's 
guardian angel. 



BACHELORS. 121 

Cap iaix (suddenly, as he masters himself). 

Let me go, Aunt! (She releases him.) My 
last words on this subject. (Pause.) I came 
here with my mind made up to say no. And 
(hesitatingly) I — must — stand — true — to — my 
own will. 

Mrs. Remfrey (with deep solemnness). 

Such a will is the guiding power to a man's 
dissolution and downfall. (Captain walks aside, 
motioning to her to say no more.) John, I have 
failed to shed light upon the blindness of your 
prejudices; but I have discharged my duty to 
Edith and to you to the best of my ability. And 
I'll say no more than this — and mark my words 
— the man who turns his back on love sets his 
face to grief and degeneration. (Exit, bursting 
into tears, through B.) 

Captain (overcome). 

And I am the man who knows it! All the time 
that I was resisting Aunt, and striving to shut 
Edith out of my heart, I felt myself becoming an 
old man. My hopes seemed to wither, my pur- 
poses to decay. I felt the struggle of love and 
death within me, and I cannot endure it. Yester- 
day, I was sure that in a soldier's life there is no 
room for sentiment; that if I were free, unfet- 
tered, I could fight my way to success. But last 
night as I came up the walk I unexpectedly met 
Edith; and we rushed together and kissed each 
other; hung upon each other's lips as if kisses 
were our food! And this morning as I was sit- 



i22 BACHELORS. 

ting alone in the library, lost in thoughts of her, 
my future and myself — I had a wonderful experi- 
ence. (Pause.) Out of the silence, a strong man's 
voice seemed to speak in my ear — "Make sure 
of your ambition ! you are destined to go through 
the world — alone! " And instantly the hot blood 
surged through my body, and in my heart the 
voice of Edith, clear, musical, stirring as the 
bugle-call, answered — "Never!*' And I arose 
and looked about me, wondering could another 
have heard it, so real was the voice! The voice 
of Love! (Passionately.) I love Edith! I love 
this heart of hearts, this woman of all women, 
this song, this joy, this passion of delight! (Long 
pause.) Yet I pause before the great step of 
marriage! (Long pause.) Tell me! you men 
who love women, and you women who love men 
— is marriage a dream that should never be rea- 
lized ? (He pauses, then turns his head and 
listens.) Edith's footstep? If it is Edith, the 
answer has come to my question, and the good 
God has sent her! (Pause; then Edith, beauti- 
fully dressed, enters through door Y; the moment 
she enters Captain speaks.) 

Captain. 
Oh, Edith! 

Edith (surprised and delighted). 

Oh! you! (They rush together and kiss pas- 
sionatefy.) 

Captain (passionately). 

Edith! I shall love you for ever with all my 
heart. Will you be my wife? 



BACHELORS. 123 

Edith (with voice full of life and joy). 
Yes! — yours for ever! 

Captain. 

(He kisses her; then with her head reclining 
on his shoulder he turns to audience.) Love is 
young, and strong, and beautiful, and marriage 
is its hope and consummation. 



ACT IV. 

Socw. — Colonel Watson's Sitting Room. 
Morning of the Prince's Levee. 

The room is very comfortably and tastefully 
furnished ; a typical well-to-do bachelor's apart- 
ment, where a man and his friends can smoke, 
talk, think, read, drink, as they will. A few 
pieces of statuary are prominent ; and pictures, 
too, arrest the eye. There are no small chairs in 
the apartment ; there are roomy arm-chairs, 
lounges, a sofa. Everything bespeaks ease. The 
Colonel is in uniform, without cap and sword. 

(Colonel Watson is discovered seated. He 
thinks for several seconds ; then suddenly springs 
up with upraised fist, and stepping forward, 
speaks with loud, angry defiance.) 

Colonel. 

I won't do it! (More angrily.) I won't do it! 
(Vehemently and word by word.) I — will — not 
— do it! (Drops fist, pauses and sits down. 
Then in more reflective voice.) And if I don't? 
(Springing up as before.) Well! I won't! (Sit- 
ting down.) And that's all about it. (Taking 
out cigar and lighting it.) I'll have a smoke. I 



126 BACHELORS. 

can think more camly after I've had a few good 
whiffs. (He blows several big clouds ; then stops 
smoking and speaks bitterly, reflectively.) As 
Schopenhauer says, other people are the cause 
of all our troubles. (Gets up and walks rapidly 
up and down, taking great whiffs out of the 
cigar. Stops dead, and speaks self-reproach- 
fully.) Whenever does a man get sense ? Here 
I am again at forty— in another mess — and — so 
far as I can see at present, no way out. (Defi- 
antly.) But I shall not do it! and if I don't? 
the law! And be damned! Damned to the law 
that is! I couldn't damn Bessie! And yet if 
I could only bring myself to damn Bessie, I 
should be free. Would I though ! Oh Lord! 
I'm — I'm — I'm — (flinging cigar into fire-place) 
I'm maundering! that's what I'm doing! and 
what the devil for ? (Angrily, harshly.) I've 
just got to figure out the costs. Of course it 
will be settled by law. I must await proceed- 
ings ; and hand any communications from her 
without opening them to my solicitor. (Sighs.) 
Same old game — same old story — same old judge 
— same old jury — same old pay, for the poor 
devil of a man. Anyhow, it's settled ; and I'm 
glad of it. Now a fresh smoke. (He lights up 
and stretches himself upon sofa ; then softly and 
meditatively speaks between the whiffs.) There's 
a dreamy, soothing feeling about this cigar! 
(Closing his eyes and speaking sadly.) Ah! I 
can hear that last waltz now — ah, Bessie! a few 
steps, Bessie! in the conservatory! on the lips, 
Bessie. (With heart-sigh.jGood— bye— Bessie. 
(Springing up and hurling cigar away.) I've 
gone mad J I — I — oh, I wish that I had never 



BACHELORS. 127 

met her — a charming, dear woman! I can't 
bear to act shabbily towards her, she is such a 
good soul. And now, after exchanging a con- 
fession of love with her, I'm acting like a 
bounder, and flinging her off with a shrug of the 
shoulders. (Fiercely.) By thunder! if I saw 
another man treat that woman like that. I'd 
knock him down for a cur and a blackguard! I 
would! There's no denying it. Virtually, I'm 
in honor bound to marry her. But I can't 
marry! A bachelor like me — impossible ! It's 
too absurd! (Pause ; then regretfully.) But 
what will she think of me ? She's too good and 
high-principled to sue me for breach of promise. 
No! she'll treat me with contempt. Yet, I'd 
sooner lose the respect of the whole world than 
the regard of that woman! If I had worked for 
years to make myself perfectly miserable, I 
couldn't have succeeded better. It should never 
have happened! It's a most unfortunate occur- 
rence! It's a most unfortunate accident! acci- 
dent! that's what it is. And really 1 am not to 
blame ; I was so anxious for Daubray that I lost 
myself ! and lost Daubray too — I see his engage- 
ment is announced this morning. (Laughing in 
desp -ration.) Ha! Ha! Ha! /will be firm, 
/shall laugh at Daubray! Ha! Ha! Ha! What 
nonsense it is! Certainly, she says she loves me! 
Ha! Ha! Ha! That's the way a clever woman 
always takes a man down! (Regretfully.) That's 
not right ; I ought to kick myself for speaking 
so of her! I'm too old a bird to be caught with 
chaff; that's the way to put it. (Lights fresh 
cigar.) All the same, Richard Dudley Ferguson 
Watson, it's the closest call you ever had in your 



r 2 8 BACHELORS. 

life — yes, in all fairness I will allow that to the 
widow —she just missed hitting me fair in the 
heart. (Smokes.) What a good time I had with 
her! there's no doubt she did affect me seriously. 
(Puts cigar aside.) Such an out and out good 
chum that woman is — so kind, so warm, so com- 
forting — the world would be a blank if I were 
not sure of seeing her to-morrow ; seeing you to- 
morrow, Bessie, I — I — I — I — oh, Bessie! Bv 
Heaven! I'm in love and there's no other way 
to say it! No, I'm not — ves, I am — a sea trip 
might save me ; a gocd shooting excursion! It's 
an awfid position for any man to be in — my love 
here ; my liberty there ; I'm a loser whichever 
side I take. So I'll keep my liberty. Oh! I'm 
very, very sick! Her kiss is heavenly ! (Quickly, 
as if seeing the secret of everything.) That's it! 
I should not have done that! that sealed my 
trouble! Oh, she's lovely to kiss! Oh, why don't 
I love her more and be happy! Oh — but — oh 
why haven't I a mind? But — but — (suddenly, 
fiercely) DAMN it! why didn't I break my leg on 
the morning of that ball ? (In slow, reflective, 
mollified tone.) Dear, generous, simple-minded 
Bessie! who could be angiv with her ? Not I, I 
love her. Yes! whether I marry or not, and of 
course I shall not marry, I can say that this 
trouble was brought about entirely by myself ; 
and she is not to blame at all. (Captain Dau- 
bray knocks and speaks.) 



Captain. 

Colonel! are you there ? 



BACHELORS. 129 

Colonel. 

Yes! come in, Daubray, (Aside.) I musn't 
betray myself to Daubray! or should I though? 
No! (Enter Captain in full uniform ) 

Captain (pauses at door and speaks aside gaily). 

If I mistake not — succumbing, but damning! 
Anyhow, I've come to push him in, and in he's 
going. (Aside, while advancing.) I feel the 
least bit awkward all the same. (He advances to 
within a few feet of the Colonel, and stands at 
the same distance from the footlights as the 
Colonel does. They both look at each other 
and away again, each being self-conscious and 
sensitive of the other. They look thus, several 
times ; and each time, first one and then the 
other essays unsuccessfully to speak.) 



Colonel ! 
Daubray! 
Colonel! 



Captain. 

Colonel. 
Captain. 
Colonel. 



Daubray! 

Captain (half laughingly). 
Colonel! 



i 3 o BACHELORS. 

COLONEL. 

Daubray! what the devil are you going to say 
to the fellows ? 

Captain (gaily). 

Merely that I have changed my views! What 
else can I say ? What will you say, sir ? 

Colonel (loudly, defiantly). 
I ? I ? — I'm not going to be married! 

Captain. 

Well, sir, all London, on information received 
from the busybodies of the ball, say that you are 
engaged to Mrs. Maclin! 

Colonel (with martial burble). 

Sir, it's not what all London says! It's what 
I say — when my liberty's at stake! 

Captain. 

It is at stake then, Colonel ? Ha! Ha! Ha! — 
you've let it out! 

Colonel (looking half beaten). 

Daubray, you have detected so much that I 
must take you into my confidence. 

Captain. 

I am conscientiously bound to declare, sir, that 
I haven't the right to accept your confidence. 



BACHELORS. 131 

Colonel. 



Every right. 



Captain. 

I may be an undesirable influence. 

Colonel. 

Every way desirable. (They take each other's 
hands.) Between man and man, I have absolute 
faith in you, Daubray, irrespective of your views 
past or present. (They release hands. ) Will you 
sit down ? 

Captain. 

Thank you, Colonel. (He sits ; there is a long 
pause ; then Colonel hums and hahs as he at- 
temps to proceed.) 

Colonel. 

Hum! Hah! Hah! Hum! Hum! Daubray— 
there are occasions in every man's life when the 
best thing that he can do is to ask for, receive, 
and follow, the advice of a trusted friend! Hm! 
— Hm! — do you consider it wise for a man ever 
to confess ? 

Captain. 

I consider that genius is only the power of 
confession. 



1 32 BACHELORS. 

Colonel (agitated). 

Then I don t mind confessing to you, Daubray 
— since you think so highly of it — that I — that I 
— have a cigar, Daubray ? 

Captain. 
Thank you, Colonel. 

Colonel. 
And a match. 

Captain. 

Thank vou. (Lights up and smokes.) You 
were saying, Colonel, that you — that you 

Colonel. 
Was I, Daubray ? 

Captain. 
Yes! that you 

Colonel. 
Oh yes! that I 

Captain. 
That's it! that you 



BACHELORS. 133 

Colonel. 

That— a 

Caftaix. 

Have you forgotten what was in your mind, 
Colonel ? We were speaking of your reported 
engagement to Mrs. Maclin ; and — incidentally 
— vou were going to confess something. 

Colonel. 
Hm! yes! 

Captain. 

You can trust me completely — it's the unex- 
pected that happens! 

Colonel (furiously). 
That I will never marry! 

Captain. 

A big thing to say, Colonel, you know. Man 
was born to trouble. 

Colonel. 

Take care that you don't wake up with that 
text every morning ! (For answer, Daubray sings 
a few bars of " The voice that breathed o'er 
Eden," and whistles part of a Wedding March ; 
the while, the Colonel eyes him attentively. 



134 BACHELORS. 

Colonel. 

Your audacity staggers me! You revolution- 
ize so much easier than I! But don't you think 
that the Wedding March, and " The voice that 
breathed o'er Eden," is too much of a come- 
down for us ? Too awful a come-down for us! 
US? US? Bachelors., Daubray! Bachelors, 
for ever! 

Captain. 

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ze king of ze bachelors! Ze 
celibate of London! Monsieur! he say it of 
himself. 

Colonel. 

That's it! That's it! We shall pass into his- 
tory as the bachelor joke ; all London will laugh 
at us! 

Captain (gaily). 

No ! No ! London will give us a smile of 
sympathy. 

Colonel. 

That's just where the screw comes in. As 
bachelors, we are superior to London ; as bache- 
lors, we can laugh over all London. 

Captain. 

Yes, but instead of that, London will have the 
laugh at us ; and say that men who think, and 
think, and think, about marriage, think them- 



BACHELORS. 135 

selves into it; and once in, find that they cannot 
think themselves out again ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! 
The whole army will come to see us told off. 

Colonel (furiously). 
By thunder! I'll never marry! 

Captain. 

Certain ? 

Colonel (storming). 

Certain ! (More loudly.) Invincible ! (Still 
louder.) Defiant ! — Bachelorism is the one great 
principle of my life ! and I'll never depart from 
it ! never ! never ! never ! — never! never! 
never!— I'll see Law, London, Man, Woman, 
and Army— damned first. (For answer Captain 
smokes in a composed, self-assured manner ; 
then, as the Colonel turns towards him, he very 
coolly knocks the ash off his cigar, and speaks.) 

Captain (coolly). 
I am not impressed. 

Colonel. 

Confound it, Daubray! what are you so cool 
and cocksure about ? 

Captain. 

Colonel, I passed through this stage of yours 
some days ago. It is the final bachelor storm 



136 BACHELORS. 

that precedes the calm of marriage. A mighty 
change is going on within you — you are chang- 
ing from a bachelor to a married man! 

Colonel. 

You frighten me, Daubray ; I was afraid that I 
was in love when I awoke this morning ; I was 
afraid to admit it to myself! Go slow! you are 
my trusted friend! I am going to follow your 
counsel, remember ; it's a big thing for one man 
to do by another. 

Captain. 

I deeply feel the honor and responsibility. 
And therefore, Colonel, as your trusted friend, I 
tell you, that you need not marry. 

Colonel. 

What ? 

Captain'. 

Mrs. Maclin would release you from your 
engagement if you desired it. 

Colonel. 

Dear, generous Bessie! just like her. But 
how do you know, Daubray ? 

Captain (puts down cigar, rises, and comes up 
to him). 

Because she told me so in as few words, when 
she gave me this letter, last night, for you. 



BACHELORS. 137 

Colonel. 
Thank you. And she — told you that ? 

Captain. 

With the tears in her eyes. No woman could 
be fairer than she. 

Colonel. 

Daubray, I could no more act dishonorably 
towards her than I could run away with the 
whole regiment watching me. 

Captain (aside). 

I think there's little chance of you getting 
away. (To Colonel.) You haven't read the let- 
ter, Colonel. 

Colonel (reads letter). 

'• My dear Colonel, — I have been thinking of 
you every moment since I last saw you, and 
dreaming of the happiness that awaits us. But 
I believe it will be a struggle for you to resign 
your liberty ; and even if you have only a mis- 
giving, you have but to ask me, and I will be 
your true friend and release you from our en- 
gagement. Always I shall love you. — Bessie 
Maclin." (Pause, then in broken voice.) Always 
I shall love you — dear, generous, considerate 
Bessie ! There's not another woman like her in 
England — not in the world. I cannot understand 
unselfish love like hers! Previously, it was be- 
yond my imagination even. 



138 BACHELORS. 

Captain. 

She loves you, worships you, Colonel. She'd 
consent to anything that would make you happy, 
for then, as she says, she'd be happy too. 

Colonel. 
I am not worthy of her love. 

Captain. 

A noble woman; what a triumph for a man to 
be loved by her! (Colonel is too upset to speak. 
A knock comes at the door.) There's a knock at 
your door, Colonel. 



Colonel. 

See who it is, Daubray ; but don't let anyone 
in. (Captain opens door.) 



Servant (handing letter). 
Post, sir! letter for Colonel Watson, sir. 

Captain. 
Thank you. (Shuts door.) Letter, Colonel. 

Colonel (very quietly). 

You open it, Daubray, and read it to me, wi] 
you ? I'm too upset. 



BACHELORS. 139 

Captain. 

(Aside.) From Aunt ! (Reads.) " Dear 
Colonel Watson,— I have been crying with vexa- 
tion on account of my unladylike conduct 
towards you on the night of the ball. Being a 
woman, I took unfair advantage of you, and said 
what I dare not have said were I a man. I wish 
to offer you my unreserved apologies ; and trust 
that you by extending your hearty friendship 
towards me will enable me to forget that I of- 
fended you. My husband joins me in hoping for 
your friendship ; as he admires your courage 
and other good qualities just as much as I do. — 
Your constant friend, Annie liemfrey." 

Colonel (overcome). 

Kindness and compliment, where least ex- 
pected. 

Cap iain. 

You have misunderstood Aunt. 

Colonkl (in broken voice). 

I should apologize to her; not she to me. Oh, 
it's no use my holding out any longer, Daubray. 
I'm desperately in love with the widow. And I 
am proud to admit it! Since I have known that 
good woman, new feelings have been born within 
me. I turn gladly from that bachelor world — 
the world of cold, of gall, of cynicism, cheerless- 
ness, brutishness, and scepticism. (Pause.) After 
all, what the heart of a man craves for, from the 



i4o BACHELORS. 

time he changes from youth to manhood, is the 
love of a good, true woman. I love Bessie, and 
so surely as I love her, with her consent I'll 
marry her. 

Captain. 

Bravo! well spoken. Colonel! Your hand! 
(Humorously.) But what will London say ? 

Colonel (humorously). 

Let London say — what it li.<es ! Do you think 
I care for London or its cackle when I have that 
woman at my side ? Let London laugh ! — it will 
make me stick to her all the more! 



Captain. 

Bravo, Colonel! you deserve a good wife. Ha! 
Ha! The man who has enjoyed his own society 
for forty years should be compensated for the aw- 
ful loss of it. 

Colonel. 

Ha! Ha! Ha! — and speedily. I shall ask her 
to name the day, the moment I see her. 



Captain. 

Colonel, Mis. Maclin and Miss Mi lington are 
in my sitting-room now, waiting for me to take 
them to the Levee. Mrs. Remfrey is to join us 
there. 



BACHELORS. 141 

Colonel (as he hurries out). 
Splendid ! We'll all go together. (Exit.) 

Captain 

The Colonel is brimming with joy ! Ah ! 
some changes have come about since he and I 
first smoked together in this room. I never 
thought it possible then that I could have gone 
over, much less he — every fibre of his body was 
pledged to single doctrines. But there — every 
bachelor has his match ; what he wants is the 
luck to find her. What a gloriously happv game 
it is — this game of falling in love and getting 
married — this game of saying no ! — and doing — 
yes ! — of beginning with, I won't ! — and ending 
with — I will ! Now from the sanctuary of the 
widow's arms, the Colonel's laughing at the 
bachelor, the foolish misguided fox — the bach- 
elor. And no wonder !— he who has that prize, 
the love of a woman's heart, is a king among 
men. (Enter Colonel Mrs. Maclin and Edith ; 
Daubray meets Edith and talks with her.) 

Mrs. Maclin (nestling against Colonel). 

As you wish, my dear, as you wish. Either a 
six months' tour or settle down in our own home 
at once ; I shall be quite happy so long as I am 
with you. For I want to think about nothing 
but you, my Colonel, and to feel sure that you 
will love me all my life. I do love you ; I'd 
have pined away, if you had taken back the 
promise that you gave me in that first sweet kiss. 



BACHELORS. 



Colonel. 



My Bessie, I could not live without you. (She 
places his cap on his head and buckles his sword 
upon him.) 

Edith (to Captain). 

They are going to be married the same day as 
ourselves, and at our church. 



Mrs. Eemfrey (running in overjoyed as Mrs. 

Maclin puts finishing touches to Colonel's 

sword-belt). 

I didn't find you in John's room, so I came 
here. (She kisses Edith, Mrs. Maclin, Daubray, 
and Colonel.) I'm nearly mad with delight ! I 
don't know which one to love best! (She kisses 
Colonel again.) Oh, Colonel! my dear Colonel! 
the best bachelor in England makes the best 
married man! 

Colonel. 

And the happiest and the proudest — with my 
dearest friend — John Daubray. 



Mrs. Kemfrey. 
Love is life's grand argument. 

Mrs. Maclin. 

And happy marriages the secret of our coun- 
try's greatness 



BACHELORS. 143 

Colonel. 

May the women of England ever have the 
goodness, charm, and beauty, to change our 
bachelors into loving husbands! 

Captain. 

Bravo! Colonel! Hurrah! We are going to 
love and be wise. Join hands all! (Mrs. Rem- 
frey takes the centre ; Mrs. Maclin on her right, 
Edith on her left ; the Colonel next to Mrs. 
Maclin ; and Captain Daubray next to Edith. 
Then the Captain shouts with great spirit and 
ringing voice.) Three cheers for Matrimony! 
(They all take a step forward, raising their right 
hands, the iadies waving handkerchiefs, the Col- 
onel his cap, the Captain his helmet.) 

Colonel and Captain. 
Hip! Hip! Hip! 

All. 
Hurrah! 

Colonel and Captain. 
Hip ! Hip ! Hip ; 

All. 
Hukrah! 



NOV 20 l»UO 



144 BACHELORS. 

Colonel and Captain. 
Hip! Hip! Hip! 

All. 
Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! 



